I HATE! Badly Behaved and/or Screaming Children / Babies

"I hate all children. For other people, it's fine, but not for me." - Karl Lagerfeld

This post requires a disclaimer:

No, I am not the worst person in the world. And no, I do not despise ALL babies and children. When I've voiced my concern over children / babies in the past people have looked at me like I'm Satan's newest recruit. Most children and babies, when behaving properly (read: being seen, not heard), are cute; I wholeheartedly admit and agree to that.

The thing that makes children and babies not cute is when they are misbehaving and/or screaming in public. I HATE that - absolutely cannot stand it. But what makes me ever more steamed, is when parents don't do a thing to deter or prevent their children from lashing out in public places. For example, this weekend, I got onto the subway after wasting an hour or more of my precious time looking at a dump in SOUTH Park Slope (ok, so I was already in a bad mood) and before I could take my seat, my eardrums were pierced by the high-pitched and unbearable screams of a small child sitting in his stroller a couple of yards down the car. These screams went on for several painstaking (and seemingly elongated) minutes and the child's "mother" didn't do a thing to calm the kid down. NOT A THING. She just sat there as her child screamed bloody murder. Obviously, this enraged me and I was all set to jump ship and switch to another car.

I cannot give a lesson in parenting as I am defintiely not a parent, but please people, keep your children in check! If that means keeping a stash of cookies in your pocket, by all means, do it! When your child begins to scream (as children are usually inclined to do), shove a cookie in it's mouth to shut it up. Easy as pie.

And another thing, as a parent, you should make sure your child knows how to behave in specific situations. If you're in a resturant with your kid, he shouldn't be running in circles around the table with food all over his face. He shouldn't be crawling under other people's tables. He shouldn't be ducking in and out of the kitchen tripping waiters left and right. In fact, your child shouldn't be making any noise at all or creating a disturbance of any kind. Children are meant to be seen, not heard.

This may sound mean. You may think me a curmudgeon. I wouldn't be upset if you consider me to have a heart of stone. But listen, I've dealt firsthand with all of the above scenarios and frankly, I've come to my wit's end. There's nothing I'd rather deal with LESS than sitting at a nice dinner trying to ignore the screams and sporatic movements of an unruly child causing a ruckus across the resturant. If you wanna push me over the edge, that might just be the way to do it.

You'd better believe that when I have children (rather I should say IF I have children - and the probability of that is slim to none as I'm pretty sure my uterus would reject an egg attempting to fertilize), they will sit quietly during dinner. They will not run around like maniacs. They will not scream in public, or at all, for that matter. They will be clean and well-dressed. They will not eat their own boogers or do any of the other gross things children are sometimes inclined to do. They will be exhibit perfect decorum and will be attentive to me at all times. And of course, they will never, ever embarrass me with poor behavior.