Tuesday, August 12, 2008

I HATE! When People Read Over Your Shoulder

This actually happens to me a lot. I'll be on the subway, coming home from my office, reading a newspaper, and suddenly, I'll realize that the person sitting next to me is reading the page along with me. Number One: this is nosy - you should mind your own business. Number Two: you're probably too close for comfort: reading over someone else's shoulder often causes you to adjust yourself to be in way too close of a proximity to the original reader. You should back off. Someone could easily take your re-adjustment the wrong way and either a) call the cops on you or b) kick your ass. When someone is reading over your shoulder, you know. You can feel the impending mass. All bodies give off a certain magnetism that can be sensed even when there is no physical touching. And let me tell you, it's a pretty creepy feeling to have to sit next to someone who is hovering over you the whole way home.

And I don't even have to go into how rude it is to read over another person's shoulder. It just is. You are not to position yourself so closely to a stranger as to make them uncomfortable. It defies the laws of common courtesy. (And you all know how big of a proponent of common courtesy I am.)

Let me just also say that reading over someones shoulder when you have B.O. is completely UNACCEPTABLE. If you sense for even one second that you have B.O. (which you should totally be aware of, because if not, I feel REALLY bad for you) or smell like moth balls or have bad breath, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT ever read over someones shoulder. Yesterday, I got on the train and began my usual routine of reading the papers. At the next stop, two 20-something fellows boarded the train and instantly, the entire car filled with the scent of B.O. - B.O. that had been marinating in a gym locker for 4 years. And of course, these two lovely gentlemen sat down right next to me. I tried my hardest to ignore the scent, but it became literally unbearable when the fellow closest to me (covertly - except NOT) scooted over to try to catch a glimpse of my paper. AWFUL times a MILLION. No joke. Serious as serious can be. I could feel the vomit rising in my throat.

I can't forget to mention the fact that if someone is reading over your shoulder and you're aware of it, you are suddenly in the position of questioning whether to turn the page when you're finished reading it or whether to turn to the next page when you notice that the over-the-shoulder-reader is finished reading. This is like the BEST case scenario. This is what would happen if you're the nicest person in the world, which clearly, I am not. But even so, the over-the-shoulder-reading causes problems. Period.

On a personal note, I do not react well in this particular situation. When I catch someone reading over my shoulder, I tend to make a big deal of turning away and huffing and puffing. I will probably make you feel bad about doing it - which you should. So stop.

Monday, August 4, 2008

I HATE! Men with Long Fingernails

Good Lord! This is one of the more revolting trends I will discuss on this blog. Long fingernails - when too long - are disgusting on both men and women, but when men have overly-long fingernails, it's really f-ing gross. It really is truly disgusting. And what I can't figure out is WHY men would need long fingernails in the first place. Long fingernails are considered to be a predominantly feminine trend, no? The only reasons a guy would need long fingernails is if a) he is a coke-head and uses the long nails to do bumps when no key can be found, b) he doesn't own a nail clipper and adamantly opposes biting his nails, or c) he keeps them extra long for back-scratching purposes.

Let me assure you, this entire line of questioning runs through my head every time I walk into the deli across the street from my apartment because there is a particular cashier there who has ONE (as in singular) LONG PINKY FINGERNAIL. Jesus, is it gross. I kind of squirm and / or cringe every time I catch a glimpse of the mutant nail touching whatever I am purchasing on that particular day. I try to look away as he is bagging my groceries (ok, usually it's just beer, but still).

Admittedly, I may be slightly bias on this issue, however, as there was once a fellow I knew who really wronged me, and HE had slightly over-the-length-limit-for-men fingernails. I will freely admit that because I really detest this fellow and loathe his name and any memory I have of him, that this clouds my judgment on the long-fingernails-on-men issue. But still - I cannot believe that I will ever be able to locate a woman who finds this offensive practice attractive or enthralling. Thoughts?

P.S. I really wanted to post a picture of Freddy Kruger (because he has really-long, albeit metal, fingernails), but my computer had a brain fart and wouldn't allow it, so I posted the above photo instead. Just imagine that fellow touching you with those nails. Enjoy!

I HATE! Rat Tails

First of all, I know it's been F-O-R-E-V-E-R since I've posted anything, and I apologize for that, but I am consumed with my second point, which is that I can't believe I hadn't thought about posting on rat tails before now!

Seriously, I will go into epileptic shock if rat tails make a comeback. No need to be alarmed - I have no official confirmation that the rat tail is on it's way back in. The possible re-insertion of the rat tail came to my attention yesterday as I was casually strolling home from brunch - I was walking behind a very well-dressed Asian fellow - one of those uber-trendy skinny-jean-wearing kind of guys. I was admiring his well coordinated outfit and impeccably-coiffed hair when I noticed the rat tail - it was pretty hard to notice, as it was partially hidden by his popped collar, but still, there it was: a miniature pony-tail seemingly blooming from the base of his pretty standard man haircut. Instantaneously, all of my previous admiration went out the door. The rat tail is a deal breaker. Done deal. No going back.

I think I have such a problem with the rat tail because I was exposed to way too many of them as a child. Let me explain: I grew up in a very progressive and liberal (and to my dismay, kind of hippie-ish and granola-y) neighborhood and I am not joking when I say that almost every little boy I saw running around the 'hood was sporting a rat tail. Seriously, I gag a little every time I see a rat tail - whether it be on a little granola boy or a trendy Asian guy - the rat tail conjures up images of Birkenstocks and white people with dreadlocks and grossness. What is the appeal? It's not even a practical haircut! That tail could get caught in an escalator or in a revolving door or a car window. Impractical and dangerous! AND do you know how easy it would be to cut someones rat tail off without them even noticing (a scenario I have definitely contemplated on numerous occasions)?

Maybe someone could explain it to me because the only thought that comes to my mind when I see a rat tail is U-G-L-Y!
P.S. There is also something a little white-trash about a rat tail (see photo above), which obviously, does not improve my opinion of the hairstyle.