Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I HATE! Muscle Tees

It's been a while, I realize, but I really think that the Prozac is preventing me from becoming enraged as easily and as often. Modern medicine's a wonderful thing, isn't it? Although it considerably cuts down on original content for this blog.

Anyway, I was sitting on the train this morning as it pulled into the 14th Street Station, when a unremarkable-looking fellow boarded and sat down across the aisle from me. There wasn't much about him that caught the eye, so I quickly gave him the once-over and went back to my book. But then... I noticed something that made my blood boil - a feeling that I haven't been privy to in quite some time; the man was wearing a muscle tee! A muscle tee! A muscle tee! Excuse me, but I don't recall travelling back in time to 1985.

To be clear, there is no excuse for wearing a muscle tee. Some, including my own father, may argue that muscle tees are 100% acceptable while working out at the gym (or in his very unique case, worn while working out, but on top of a second fully-sleeved tee shirt), but I remain firm in my opinion that muscle tees are vomit-inducing. I can't pinpoint exactly what is it about the MT that drives me bonkers, but I suspect it has something to do with the high neck / no sleeves combo - truly offensive!

Women should never wear muscle tees. And to be fair, I'm not really complaining about women here; it's more of a male phenomenon. Sans sleeves, a tee shirt, AKA a muscle tee, reveals hairy man armpits. I don't want to see your hairy man armpits - working out or ANYWHERE ELSE! Hairy man armpits are not attractive. If I could somehow convince the world that men should also be socially required to shave their armpits, I would.

Another point in the CON column would have to be the fact that the muscle tee, with it's ripped (or cut-off) sleeves, is strikingly white trash. Sitings of muscle tees conjure up images of trailer parks, pick-up trucks, Marlboro Reds, 40s of Olde English, and toothless guys named Bo. This statement is not intended to offend - I'm sure there are plenty of upstanding citizens residing in trailer parks these days, but you know what I'm trying to say here. The muscle tee belongs far from New York City streets.

(Note: I found the picture above on a website called - I'm going to pray that the site doesn't get a lot of traffic. We can't afford to have any guys walking around looking like that. And really - what guy would wear that shirt?)

Thursday, June 12, 2008

I HATE! An Update

Ok - I don't hate updates, I just wanted to give an update on a post I made a couple weeks ago. Remember how I was ranting and raving about celebrities thinking being a celebrity qualifies them to design a line of clothing? And remember how I was almost pushed over the edge by the news that faux-celebrity Perez Hilton was awarded a clothing line of his own? Well, as it turns out, I wasn't the only one who was appalled by the thought of the jolly green (or blue, or pink, or whatever horrid color hair he has this week) giant being given license to 'design'. See link below.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

I HATE! Those Annoying People from The Hills

Today, I came across a highly hilarious article giving background details on the 'feud' between Mary-Kate Olsen and Spencer Pratt. For all of you guys lucky enough to be living under a rock, Spencer Pratt is that obnoxious guy from The Hills who is obnoxiously attached to the hip of that obnoxious girl with fake boobs named Heidi Montag who is obnoxiously feuding with that other obnoxious chick from The Hills, Lauren Conrad. The alleged feud began when MK mentioned on Letterman that she and SP had gone to high school together and that she remember that he used to storm off the school's soccer field in fits of fury. Then SP, being the media whore that he is, fired back, calling MK 'the ugly twin'. Then it occurred to me: Why is this idiot Spencer Pratt messing with someone who will forever be infinitely more famous and wealthy than him? He isn't even on the same plane as MK. He just wishes he was. But Spencer Pratt is not the only retard on the The Hills; they are all beyond obnoxious. Can I bring to attention all the needless attention garnered by Lauren Conrad after people 'found out' that she allegedly made that sex tape with her douchy ex-boyfriend Jason Wahler? What about those supposedly 'leaked' topless pictures of Audrina Patridge? And Heidi Montag? Everything about that chick is laughable. And the more ridiculous thing about these kids? None of them are really famous for anything, yet none of them can seem to stay out of the limelight for more than two seconds, which makes them even more obnoxious. If that's even possible.

Before I delve into exactly why it is that I hate The Hills, let me just emphasize how hilarious I think it is that the flash-in-the-pan obnoxiousness that is Spencer Pratt thinks he can publicly bad mouth one of the Olsen twins and think that it would make any sort of difference to anyone. Everyone hates you Spencer Pratt; and no one is going to start vehemently hating MK just because you said she was the ugly twin. As if!

So let me get down to the nitty gritty. From Day 1, I hated Laguna Beach. While many of my peers were plunking themselves down in front of their TVs to catch the drama unfold between Lauren Conrad and Kristen Cavallari, I was off doing more important and less idiotic things, i.e. not killing my brain cells by watching obnoxious teens from Laguna Beach contemplating what size frappaccino to get from Starbucks.

But clearly, I am in the minority here, as MTV went out and gave Lauren Conrad her own spin-off. The Hills is even more mindless than it's predecessor, if that's even possible. This time we have obnoxious twenty-somethings contemplating... actually, I don't even know what they do on thew show because I refuse to watch it.

My problem doesn't really lie in the fact that the show is scripted, even though it claims to be reality (and there are numerous examples of slip-ups that prove this). It lies in the fact that these people are not interesting; they have nothing to offer to society. In fact, they only add to the growing superficiality and self-absorption that has come to define pop culture and the entertainment industry today. These girls (and few fellows) are not role models. The live unrealistic lives and set unattainable expectations for young girls watching the show. All they do is feud internally, sit in offices pretending to do work, call the paparazzi on themselves, and garner unnecessary public attention. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Lauren Conrad has not done much to improve the planet - and creating a line of overpriced, unoriginal dresses doesn't count for anything.

I don't even want to get started on Heidi Montag. Let me list the things I have involuntarily learned about her via the Internet and TV: she had a really obvious-looking boob job. She is attached to the hip to her creepy, and pretty unremarkable boyfriend / manager (hahaha - what an idiotic career move) Spencer Pratt. She wants to be a singer. So badly, in fact, that she had Creepy Spencer film her self-produced music videos with a handheld camera. She created a line of clothes, excuse me, she created a line of costumes for stippers that she pedals for 100 times more than the entire line is worth. She is a Republican and plans to vote for John McCain (if she actually knows anything about politics, I would be utterly and completely shocked). And while I wish I could say that she is hideous, she is, unlike someone I'll just call Lauren Conrad, not bad to look at. At least she's got that going for her.

But the real issue here is that I do not watch The Hills. In fact, I try to steer clear of it at all costs, but The Hills people have an annoying knack of popping up everywhere, making it literally impossible to ignore them. I know so much about everyone on that f-ing show, yet I've never watched even a moment of it. There is something just so wrong about that.

Friday, June 6, 2008

I HATE! The Conspiracy that is Movie-Size Sodas

I just went to go see the Sex and the City movie and I will admit that I thoroughly enjoyed the film, except for the fact that I had to get up in the middle of it and run to the bathroom. Wanna know why? If not, stop reading now because I'm telling you anyway. I felt like my bladder was going to explode. Yes, explode, and the cause of the impending bladder explosion was the huge Diet Coke (or as I like to refer to it, DC) I purchased at the concession stand before the show.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming anyone except myself for purchasing the monstrosity - if you know me, you know that I can't resist a big frosty glass of fountain DC. But as I see it, there is clearly some sort of conspiracy going on here. The movie theatres push these huge sodas on you - the small is comparable to the size of my head and the large is mammoth, but such a value at only a quarter more - and then, by the time you've consumed even a fraction of the beverage, you have to run out of the theatre mid-movie to relieve yourself essentially screwing yourself out of seeing what could perhaps be an integral part of the movie!

Maybe I'm alone in this, but I'm not joking when I say that this happens to me every single time I go to the movies! Maybe it's my fault for having a smaller-than-average bladder. Can I get some consensus on this? Conspiracy or do I simply need to exert some will power and avoid big frosty calorie-less beverages?

Thursday, June 5, 2008

I HATE! Facebook Wall Fake-Outs

Have you ever gone into your email and found a message from those friendly fellows at Facebook stating that someone has written on that wonderfully glorious invention that is your Facebook wall? Here's how the rest of the scenario plays out: excitedly, you close your email account and log into Facebook, scroll through the profile where you've announced your unwavering love and dedication to Fall Out Boy and Pete Wentz, scroll down past the dozens of useless applications you've been tricked into downloading, past the so-called 'gifts' Facebook has the audacity to charge you $1 for, only to find that the alleged wall post is nowhere to be found!

The Wall is, in my opinion, one of the best features Facebook has to offer, and that's why it's so devastating when you get an email that gets your hopes up that someone has written on your wall, only to discover that it was a false alarm. Your emotions skyrocket and then when you find out the truth, your heart sinks into your stomach. It's such a let-down!

The cause of this phenomenon is clear: someone writes on your wall, the email notification is sent immediately, but then the alleged wall-poster deletes his or her comment, leaving the re-maturely sent notification sitting in your inbox, now void and invalid, and a cold, harsh reminder of your fleeting popularity.

Certainly, with all the money Facebook has spent on creating all those ridiculously irrelevant applications, there must be a dime left over somewhere that could be put toward fixing this excruciatingly annoying problem. It seems simple enough (granted I'm not computer programmer): the wall-poster deletes his comment, the email notification should also delete itself - automatically...

Now, how to get this suggestion to Zuckerberg.... He needs to know how many people's hearts he's broken with those cruel email notifications.

Monday, June 2, 2008

I HATE! Those Ignorant to Proper Sidewalk Etiquette

I was under the impression that there was an established code of sidewalk etiquette, but in recent months, it has come to my attention that either a) such a code must not exist and I have been mistaken for all of these years or b) a code exists, but no one abides by it / knows about it.

How many times have I been minding my own business, walking down the street, bopping my head in time with an (undoubtedly embarrassing) song playing on my iPod, taking in the city landscape, when all of a sudden, the person walking in front of me stops abruptly in his or her tracks, blocking the sidewalk, but even more importantly, obstructing my path and interrupting my walking rhythm? The answer? More times than I can count. (Most of the time, I come to find the offender to be a tourist, stopping to snap a picture of the oh-so-(not)-amazing Trump Hotel or Time Warner Center, but regardless...)

The point of my ramblings here is this: common courtesy (which i am clearly a huge proponent of) would dictate that if you are going to stop abruptly to take a photograph or tie your shoe or pick your wedgie or WHATEVER, move your fat ass to the side of the sidewalk - don't stand in the middle of pedestrian traffic, essentially asking for someone to trip over you. This is (or at least should be) the code of the street.

And here's another bullet point under The Sidewalk Etiquette Code: just like cars drive on the right side of the road, so too should pedestrians walk on the right side of the sidewalk. If you abide by this, it eliminates any chance of pedestrian collisions. And in my case (since apparently I like to bob and weave through sidewalk crowds), if every pedestrian followed the Code guidelines, I could easily navigate the sidewalks without having the urge to shove wayward pedestrians out of my way in order to keep up my pace.

Other more minor notes on the Code:
  • Don't drift from one side of the sidewalk to another - this prevents people who want to pass you from doing so.
  • Keep up your walking pace - don't slow down and speed up - this is essentially like asking someone to run into your back or step on your heels.
  • Don't ride your bike / skateboard / scooter / Segway on the sidewalk - I will throw a stick or rock into your tire.
  • If you're a slow-walker, stay to the very right side of the sidewalk - you should virtually be sliding your body along the side of the store fronts to ensure that the faster walkers have room to pass you.
  • Do not unintentionally / intentionally hit passing pedestrians with your shopping bags / briefcase / umbrella - this is grounds for an immediate punch in the face... seriously I CANNOT STAND IT WHEN SOMEONE HITS ME IN THE FACE WITH HIS UMBRELLA.
  • Do not jokingly mess around with your friends while walking on a crowded sidewalk - if I get bumped into by a rowdy teenager, I will push back with Incredible Hulk-like strength.
  • Do not come out of a store / house / apartment, step out onto the sidewalk without looking both ways, jut out in front of another pedestrian, and essentially cut them off - it works the same way as it does when you're in a car; cutting people off is dangerous and can incite road rage or, in my case, sidewalk rage.

And I'm sure there are more, I'm forgetting to mention right now, but essentially, these are the main points of the Code and should be abided by, by all, with meticulous attention. This will undoubtedly make the world a better place. Thank you.