I HATE! When Older Women Dress Like Teenagers

This post goes in conjunction with my post about adults wearing clothing adorned with cartoon characters.

We've already established the fact that at a certain age, you inevitably must retire some components of your quickly fleeting youth i.e. belly shirts, low-cut jeans, any article of clothing with a cartoon character emblazoned on it, mini backpacks, platform shoes, cowboy hats, overly-puffy down jackets, anything with fringe on it, etc.

And you'd think this would kind of be common knowledge to the older-set, but you'd really be surprised how many adults think they can get away with acting and dressing like their teenage counterparts. The biggest offenders among this group are older women - specifically the 40 - 65 year-old demographic (and I know that 40 isn't really that old, but let's be honest here, when you're 40, you're no spring chicken).

Case in point: there is a show on a very popular cable network that centers around the work of a high-rolling female matchmaker. She is not completely unfortunate-looking by any means, but I would estimate her age to be somewhere between 40 and 45, and the woman constantly, and I mean constantly, dresses like she's 20 and aging backwards Benjamin Button-style. Short skirts. Tighter-than-is-allowed-by-law-pants. Mini-dresses. Sky-high heels. You get the picture. And like I said, this woman isn't grotesque, but truth be told, she doesn't have the body of the 20-year-old beach volleyball player she is trying to dress like.

And I'm all for women being proud of their bodies etc. etc. , but I just think that women of a certain age should ease gracefully into decorum. You can get away with dressing like a harlot when you're 16, 18, and 23, but at 40 years old, you just look plum-silly trying to rock a leather mini and knee-high boots. I'm even finding that at 23-years-old, I can't get away with wearing what I used to. Let me tell you, my high-school body is NOWHERE to be found and the same goes for the (barely-school-appropriate) corset tops and hip-hugger jeans that were (embarrassingly) once my staple.

Bottom line is this: when you're 40 or 47 or 53 or 61, you really just look ridiculous when you try to pull off clothes made for the Limited-Too clientele. Your teenage years were meant for dressing ridiculously and getting it out of your system. Your high-school style is not meant to transcend into your 40s. And if perhaps I haven't yet hit this point home, please take into account the women on the fabulous show Rock of Love (see photo above) or many of the female guests on Maury. These women, while clearly past their physical primes, are still intent upon resurrecting the clothing of their oh-so-trashy-youth. And while these examples are extreme, I think it makes clear my point.

A little modesty ladies... a little modesty.

I HATE! Adults Wearing Cartoon Character Clothing

Look - when you reach a certain age, there are certain things that are just no-longer acceptable. As much as we try to fend off the years with endless amounts of plastic surgery, anti-aging creams, and spa treatments, it's impossible to stop the aging process. After you hit 25, you need to lose the belly shirts, jeans that prominently display your thong to the world when you bend over, those bras with the clear straps (SO TACKY), etc. It's inevitable; at some point, you have to accept the fact that trying to hold on to the last remnants of your youth is futile. Thus said, I am going to propose that another item be added to that list of things not acceptable for adults: clothing featuring cartoon characters.

Ideally wearing this type of clothing should stop after the 2nd grade, but we're not all that clued-in. And it's surprising how many members of the over-25 set I've spotted in Minnie and Mickey tee-shirts, SpongeBob sweatshirts, and Looney Tunes bomber jackets. It's really mind-boggling. Not only do you look ridiculous when sporting 'toon attire after the age of 7, but any article of clothing I've seen that with a cartoon character on it reeks of trashiness. And I hate to say it, but I'm just trying to be honest here; there seems to be a direct correlation between how 'white trash' an individual is and the frequency in which said individual wears cartoon character clothing. I'm just saying.

But regardless of the stereotype I introduced above, my main problem here is that some people simply cannot accept the fact that they're grown and that certain articles of clothing are no loner appropriate. I don't think any one can argue with the fact that a 32-year-old woman with a beer belly should, under no circumstance, wear a mid-drift exposing top or have her navel pierced. Read: not appropriate. Nor should a 45-year-old guy wear his pants so low that you could have a picnic on his plaid boxer-clad ass. It's basic common sense. Some things you just have to let go of with age. Cartoon character clothing included. There is nothing cute about a mother-of-four traipsing around town in a Winnie the Pooh sweatsuit.

Note: It has also come to my attention (see photo above) that cartoon character clothing may, in some circles, be considered badass. My answer to this is simply: no. Not possible - there is NOTHING intimidating about someone with a huge picture of Mickey Mouse silk-screened across his or her chest. Unless Mickey magically comes to life, grabs a gun, jumps off the t-shirt, and jacks me up, I'm not exactly running down the block.

I HATE! An Update

Ok - I don't hate updates, I just wanted to give an update on a post I made a couple weeks ago. Remember how I was ranting and raving about celebrities thinking being a celebrity qualifies them to design a line of clothing? And remember how I was almost pushed over the edge by the news that faux-celebrity Perez Hilton was awarded a clothing line of his own? Well, as it turns out, I wasn't the only one who was appalled by the thought of the jolly green (or blue, or pink, or whatever horrid color hair he has this week) giant being given license to 'design'. See link below.

http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2008/06/no_one_wants_perez_hiltons_clo_1.html

I HATE! Those Annoying People from The Hills

Today, I came across a highly hilarious article giving background details on the 'feud' between Mary-Kate Olsen and Spencer Pratt. For all of you guys lucky enough to be living under a rock, Spencer Pratt is that obnoxious guy from The Hills who is obnoxiously attached to the hip of that obnoxious girl with fake boobs named Heidi Montag who is obnoxiously feuding with that other obnoxious chick from The Hills, Lauren Conrad. The alleged feud began when MK mentioned on Letterman that she and SP had gone to high school together and that she remember that he used to storm off the school's soccer field in fits of fury. Then SP, being the media whore that he is, fired back, calling MK 'the ugly twin'. Then it occurred to me: Why is this idiot Spencer Pratt messing with someone who will forever be infinitely more famous and wealthy than him? He isn't even on the same plane as MK. He just wishes he was. But Spencer Pratt is not the only retard on the The Hills; they are all beyond obnoxious. Can I bring to attention all the needless attention garnered by Lauren Conrad after people 'found out' that she allegedly made that sex tape with her douchy ex-boyfriend Jason Wahler? What about those supposedly 'leaked' topless pictures of Audrina Patridge? And Heidi Montag? Everything about that chick is laughable. And the more ridiculous thing about these kids? None of them are really famous for anything, yet none of them can seem to stay out of the limelight for more than two seconds, which makes them even more obnoxious. If that's even possible.

Before I delve into exactly why it is that I hate The Hills, let me just emphasize how hilarious I think it is that the flash-in-the-pan obnoxiousness that is Spencer Pratt thinks he can publicly bad mouth one of the Olsen twins and think that it would make any sort of difference to anyone. Everyone hates you Spencer Pratt; and no one is going to start vehemently hating MK just because you said she was the ugly twin. As if!

So let me get down to the nitty gritty. From Day 1, I hated Laguna Beach. While many of my peers were plunking themselves down in front of their TVs to catch the drama unfold between Lauren Conrad and Kristen Cavallari, I was off doing more important and less idiotic things, i.e. not killing my brain cells by watching obnoxious teens from Laguna Beach contemplating what size frappaccino to get from Starbucks.

But clearly, I am in the minority here, as MTV went out and gave Lauren Conrad her own spin-off. The Hills is even more mindless than it's predecessor, if that's even possible. This time we have obnoxious twenty-somethings contemplating... actually, I don't even know what they do on thew show because I refuse to watch it.

My problem doesn't really lie in the fact that the show is scripted, even though it claims to be reality (and there are numerous examples of slip-ups that prove this). It lies in the fact that these people are not interesting; they have nothing to offer to society. In fact, they only add to the growing superficiality and self-absorption that has come to define pop culture and the entertainment industry today. These girls (and few fellows) are not role models. The live unrealistic lives and set unattainable expectations for young girls watching the show. All they do is feud internally, sit in offices pretending to do work, call the paparazzi on themselves, and garner unnecessary public attention. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Lauren Conrad has not done much to improve the planet - and creating a line of overpriced, unoriginal dresses doesn't count for anything.

I don't even want to get started on Heidi Montag. Let me list the things I have involuntarily learned about her via the Internet and TV: she had a really obvious-looking boob job. She is attached to the hip to her creepy, and pretty unremarkable boyfriend / manager (hahaha - what an idiotic career move) Spencer Pratt. She wants to be a singer. So badly, in fact, that she had Creepy Spencer film her self-produced music videos with a handheld camera. She created a line of clothes, excuse me, she created a line of costumes for stippers that she pedals for 100 times more than the entire line is worth. She is a Republican and plans to vote for John McCain (if she actually knows anything about politics, I would be utterly and completely shocked). And while I wish I could say that she is hideous, she is, unlike someone I'll just call Lauren Conrad, not bad to look at. At least she's got that going for her.

But the real issue here is that I do not watch The Hills. In fact, I try to steer clear of it at all costs, but The Hills people have an annoying knack of popping up everywhere, making it literally impossible to ignore them. I know so much about everyone on that f-ing show, yet I've never watched even a moment of it. There is something just so wrong about that.

I HATE! Trashy, Teeny-Bopper Stores

A comment left by my dear friend Julie on the post regarding Perez Hilton being given his own line from Hot Topic made me come to the realization that I didn't direct any of my attention to the fact that Perez's line will be debuting at Hot Topic. Hot Topic. First of all, Hot Topic? Does that store even exist anymore? I could have sworn that Hot Topic disappeared in the 90s along with wallet chains and mesh tank tops (apparently no one's told Amy Winehouse). But I did some research and discovered that Hot Topic is indeed still alive and kicking. And I have this to say: go ahead and design a line for Hot Topic, Perez, inflate your ego a little bit more, go ahead - you're essentially sealing your own coffin. I wonder if he checked out the website before signing on the dotted line. The dude relentlessly ridicules Shauna Sand, Brooke Hogan, and Britney Spears for the trashy clothing choices they make, but the store he just endorsed basically sells apparel for the strippers-in-training set.

Example One

Courtesy of the Hot Topic Collection


What I'm essentially trying to say here is that Hot Topic falls into the category that stores like Joyce Leslie, Mandee, DEB, and Wet Seal fall into, although the Hot Topic brand seems to be a little more goth. These stores sell glorified stripper-wear under the guise that it's trendy and fashionable. Pleather, glitter, nylon, and mesh are not fashionable (never have been!) nor are they age-appropriate for the demographic that these stores market to.

The clothes that these stores sell are cheaply made and the shoddy construction is obvious. I cringe anytime I see a gaggle of teeny-bopper girls running around decked out in Wet Seal's finest. I tend to steer clear of stores that specialize in all things plastic, stretchy, and shiny. These materials generally do not exude class, but apparently, 15-year-old girls from Middle America haven't yet caught on. Wet Seal must have one hell of a PR guy - no matter how cheaply made and shoddily-constructed the store's garments are, the tweens keep on coming in - in droves.

I understand that Wet Seal or Mandee may be a cheaper alternative to overly-expensive trendy stores that cater to to the teeny-bopper set like Anthropologie, Armani Exchange, and Diesel. But there is a way to go inexpensive without looking like a $2 a-night-child prostitute. Ever heard of The Gap or H&M? The ratio of pleather to cotton at either of these two stores is far smaller than at Hot Topic / Wet Seat / Mandee / Joyce Leslie. And I'm pretty sure the prices are comparable - not that I've been into a Joyce Leslie since freshman year in college when I purchased a 100% polyester plaid kilt with an up-to-there hemline to wear as part of my naughty Catholic school girl Halloween costume. And for the record, I would just like to say that I only ventured into Joyce Leslie because it was around the corner from my dorm and I had less than two hours to throw together the costume.

Anyway, all I am saying here is that there really is no excuse to patronize any of the aforementioned stores - unless you are deliberately trying to go for the baby prostitute look. See below for more examples.

Example Two

Courtesy of the Mandee Collection

Example Three

Courtesy of the Wet Seal Collection

I HATE! Celebrities Who Think They Can Design Clothes Just Because They're Celebrities

Just because you're a celebrity does not mean that you have the chops to design a good clothing line. I feel like every day we hear about a new celebrity who has been given carte blanche by some dumb company to create their own clothing, shoe, or jewelery line. This drives me absolutely crazy! Celebrity does not automatically equal good designer. A good designer has gone to design school and has learned about fit, patterns, wearability, practically, and materials.

What do you know about design Heidi Montag, Amanda Bynes, Jennifer Lopez or Paris Hilton? Clearly nothing. Has anyone ever taken a peek at the so-called fashion line Just Sweet designed by J. Lo? Everything in the line looks like it was carved out of the same huge piece of shiny purple polyester. I had the unfortunate experience of accidentally brushing up against one of J. Lo's polyester tent dresses and instantaneously developed a rash from the sheer cheapness of the fabric. 

Paris Hilton's shoe line? Even though I understand that women with larger feet often have trouble finding shoes in their size (a good idea in theory, Paris), let's be real here: a stripper wouldn't even wear Paris' shoes. The line boasts enough Lucite to put the dressing room at Scores to shame. 

And we all heard the reviews of Heidi Montag's (who, by the way, I refuse to admit is a celebrity - waste of space is more like it) line Heidiwood, haven't we? An excerpt from New York Magazine:

"No self-respecting grown woman should allow herself to be seen in these garments. Only two of the twelve items have sleeves, and just one — a pair of jeans — extends past mid-thigh. In fact, only one other thing extends past the upper thigh: a dress that would have been mildly acceptable had it not been made from the kind of cotton you usually only see on Target’s discount panties."

Believe you me, that wasn't even the worst of it. There's a reason why your clothes are only sold at Anchor Blue, Heidi: they're shiteous. Truly heinous. I would compare the quality to Joyce Leslie, Mandee, or Wet Seal.  But what's worse, Heidiwood boasts overpriced versions of clothes found at Joyce Leslie, Mandee, and Wet Seal.  And as the writers of the above NY Mag article noted, no self-respecting woman would be caught dead in anything from the Heidiwood collection. The reviews might seem harsh, but if you had gone to design school before attempting to 'design' your own line, the clothes would probably have been launched to better reviews.

Maybe so many celebrities are given their own clothing lines because so many people try to emulate the way celebrities dress. But I'll let you in on a little secret: celebrities are dressed by stylists. Celebrities' styles are created by stylists. Celebrities don't dress themselves! The stylists should be the ones given the clothing lines. They know about fashion!  They're stylists!

And another question: do we actually think that the celebrities would where their own lines? Absolutely not! And you want to know why? Because celebrity lines are watered-down, cheaply-made versions of the clothes they wear. We're talking obvious emulations of last season's Dolce & Gabanna, Fendi, and Marc Jacobs designs that celebrity stylists picked out for stars to wear several award shows ago.  The celebrity is not concerned with creating well-designed, good quality clothes; a hastily-designed clothing line allows a celebrity to add the title of 'designer' to their resume. You better believe that that's the only reason celebrities do it.