Wednesday, April 9, 2008

I HATE ! Paris Hilton

My mother always used to say that Paris Hilton is a completely worthless human being – a complete waste of space. I usually tend NOT to agree with my mother on most things, but I must say, this is one of those issues for which our viewpoints are quite similar.

Believe it or not, I really don’t like referring to someone as completely worthless (even that’s a bit harsh for me), so I’ve tried numerous times to come up with something that legitimizes her. I haven’t had any luck. See the internal dialogue I had with myself below.

Hmmm, Paris is famous for being famous, but how did she really generate so much publicity for herself when she doesn't actually have any real credits to her name? For sure, she is a tabloid queen, and definitely garned alot of attention by just being photographed wearing skimpy (and usually hideous) outfits at red carpet events. But how did she even get invited to red carpert events - she isn't particularly accomplished (House of Wax, anyone?) or smart (did she even graduate from high school?) or beautiful (read: wonky eye)?

Oh yes, she is ridiculously wealthy. That's why she gets invited to events. (And just for the record, I do not think that being rich is a legitimate reason to be invited anywhere... unless the event is a charity auction.)

The sex tape is probably what catapulted her into the spotlight – without One Night in Paris thousands of men would never have seen Paris, cloaked in the iridescent glow of a night vision camera, bobbing up and down on top of Rick Soloman (Wait, who is he? Oh yes, he had the balls to marry another great example of humankind - Shannon Doherty).

She did profit off of the sales of One Night in Paris, right? Which means that she must have been involved in the business negoiations. That says something about her intelligence, right? Nah - she probably had someone do the whole deal for her. It was probably the same guy who staged that picture that ran as the US Weekly cover of her 'sobbing uncontrollably' when she found out the tape had leaked.

But then again, she was dumb enough to make the tape in the first place. And honestly, Rick Soloman? Yikes! That guy has probably seen more STDs than Paris, Pamela, and Shannon Doherty combined.

Besdies Rick Soloman and a few other notable unexplicably disgusting-looking men, she has dated some very attractive fellows. (That's not to say I would touch any of them with a ten foot poll after she finished with them though. That's like a guaranteed way to catch an STD.) She was even engaged at one point! That means she must have truly been in love! And that means she is capable of human emotion. Yay! Oh, but wasn't that guy also names Paris (something, unfortunately, which discredits him completely)? And didn't they break up after, um, a minute. And hasn't she been engaged several other times to several different fellows? And didn't all the engagements end up broken? Ok, so also not a great example of her character.

She did have her own reality show! Yes! That was also played a big part in the solidifictaion of Paris as an A-list celebrity. And, it was defintiely on for a few solid seasons. I know people who watched it - I never would because that would be like instant suicide. Ugh, but let’s be honest, the only thing that show did for humanity was make us all less intelligent. I'm not even sure Paris and Nicole can form complete sentences other than the ever-poignant "That's hot". I actually refused to watch the show because it was that incredibly dumb. Putting Paris and Nicole Richie on TV for that many seasons definitely caused detrimental and irreversible long-term mental effects on the American population.

Moving on... Some may consider Paris a fashion icon, but I cannot even pretend to consider this notion. Maybe they mean she is a fashion icon to the blind community. But as far as I'm concerned, only wearing bright pink and neon blue rhinestoned velour hoodies (you know my position on this already) does not qualify you to be a fashion god. Needless to say, Paris should stop wasting her time designing this "designer shoe line". I've seen some of the shoes; they're heinous.

Ok, I have nothing more. I'm exhausted. I tried to legitimize her. I really did, but it's hard to combat the walking STD jokes. I hate Paris Hilton. It makes me cringe when I spot her in my beloved US Weekly. She shouldn't be a celebrity. There should be requirements to become a celebrity and one of them should be that you need to have done something notable or credible - and I'm sorry Paris, you've done none of the above. And being in jail for 5 minutes doesn't count either.

You remain on my Hate list. So sorry :-(

1 comment:

Julie B said...

She also has 22 dogs. Yes, 22. Which reminds me, Boon, of something else you hate: my pets.