Tuesday, April 15, 2008

I HATE! Household Pets

Let me first clarify, I actually don't hate all household pets, or even all animals for that matter. Once upon a time (a time when I was much younger, much more naive, and much nicer), I was the proud owner of a turtle named MC Turtle, a guinea pig named Palmetto, and several (the count is probably closer to several hundred) goldfish. And I have a particular (and unexplicable) fondness for elephants.

My hatred is strictly aimed toward household dogs and cats. And, for once, I actually have strong cases as to why I depise them so. Besides the obvious downsides to cats and dogs - they smell bad when not cleaned, they cannot clean themselves, they shed, their fur is allergenic, they have bed breath, they will maul you to death simply because they are excited, they do not clean up after themselves, they crawl into bed with you uninvited, they scratch you in the face while you're sleeping, etc. - I have some very legitimate justifications for my displeasure with these two particular species. I feel like I must explain myself and clear the air in this public forum because every time I mention to anyone that I don't like dogs and/or cats, I am immediately attacked and called a cold heartless bitch. Just because I am not an animal lover does not make me a bad person. See explanations below.

Scaring Scenario One: When I was in elementary and middle school, I had a very close friend named...let's call her CP. I spent a lot of time at CP's house. CP's house, however, was a disaster. She had four dogs at one point, none of whom were ever completely house trained. I can't even tell you how many times we stumbled across one of CP's dog's misgivings on the living room carpet. Her dogs were rambunctious - attacking, jumping, and licking you all over whenever you walked in CP's front door - even if you had just been inside and thay had already given you the sniff-down. I think I may have even been knocked to the ground on a few occasions. These were not small dogs, mind you. The house was covered from top to bottom in dog hair. You couldn't wear dark colored clothing to her house - unless you wanted to walk out visibly coated in labrador hair. I know CP and her family washed and cleaned their dogs, but somehow, they always seemed to be dirty and smell bad. I recall specifically the dogs' disgusting breath and the trauma it reeked on my nostrils. The dogs also always seemed to have that gook in their eyes that they develop when they're sick. I'm talking always and that stuff REALLY grosses me out.

Scaring Scenario Two: There was also another experience that, I think, cemented my hatred of dogs: I dog-sat for one of my friends one summer for a few weeks and basically all I had to do was come into the house twice a day and walk and feed the two dogs. Simple, right? I don't know what I did to those dogs, but literally everytime I came in to feed and walk them, there would be a HUGE puddle of diarea in the middle of the kitchen floor. And it always smelled like death. I'm talking really really horrible. I don't want to get to intricate with the description because I might loose my lunch, but it was runny and emitted the most foul smell I have ever smelled. And just imagine, I had to clean this shit (literally) up EVERY DAY.

Obviously these were very traumatic experiences for me and I maintain that this is what is directly repsonsible for my hatred of dogs.

Scaring Scenario Three: Cats, on the other hand, I am allergic to, so that is the main reason I don't like them. When I'm around cats, my eyes become bloodshot and begin to water, my throat and ears itch, and I sneeze uncontrollably. Attractive, I know.

Scaring Scenario Four: Also, I house-sat one summer for a couple who had a cat (yes, obviously a dumb idea when I'm allergic to cats and obviously something I should never agree to do based on prior experiences, I know!) and over the course of the summer, the house developed an incredibly horrible odor. I could never figure out what was causing it, and I looked up and down and inside and out for the cause of the smell. But when I couldn't locate the origin of the smell, I just automatically assumed it was the cat. That also helped to drop cats down to the bottom of my list.

Scaring Scenario Five: Finally, I once slept over at a friend's house who had just acquired a kitten. The kitten was cute in every way. I had no complaints, that is, until I woke up the next morning to find that my face had been slashed by the cat during the night. Like I literally looked like a cat had attacked my face in the middle of the night. It was not only painful, but embarrassing as well.

So I think this is all the explanation I need to give as to why I am not an animal fan. Totally legit, right?

1 comment:

Julie B said...

i am going to go ahead and assume clyde is the kitten you are referring to...