I HATE! Crowded Subways

OMG! This morning, I experienced my worst nightmare. Let me take a deep breath before I continue. This was truly a harrowing and traumatic experience.

By now, you probably know that I do not like being touched by strangers, having to touch strangers, rubbing up against strangers, being in any sort of close proximity to strangers etc. etc. I am easily skeeved when someone inadvertently brushes up against me on the street / in passing for 5 seconds. When a stranger's extremity leans /brushes / touches / sits / rests upon any part of me for more than those quasi-tolerable 5 seconds, I can't help but lose my mind. And this morning (ugh - I shudder to reflect on it), I traveled uptown on the 4 /5 train - one which, normally, I don't have to take (and thank god because it's always so damn crowded!) - for a doctor's appointment. The ride up to the appointment was relatively uneventful, except the train was very crowded, but I expected it to be so and therefore, it was bearable. The way back, however, was vomit-inducing.

The train was even more crowded then it was on the way uptown, but I took a deep breath, grinned (ok, i didn't grin - if you must know, I put on an angry face), and bore it... that is, until people continued to try to force themselves into the already-packed train at each and every subsequent stop. After jockeying for a better position holding onto one of the bars above the seated (lucky bastards) train patrons, and one that didn't include my face being smushed into the bossom of an abnormally tall amazon-esque woman, I, all of sudden, felt... (I can't even bring myself to conjure up the image / feeling again) someone else's ass pressing against mine. The moment I felt it, I tried to move to the right, to the left, anywhere I could to prevent the asses from pressing against each other. I swear to God, when I moved, the other ass moved along with mine. It's as if the stupid guy had squeezed himself in between my ass and some other passenger's body and could only mimic our movements due to lack of mobility. I couldn't escape the ass on ass! (Side note: was I possibly being sexually harassed, but just didn't realize it? Discuss.) I wanted to die! It was horrible. I tried to inch forward, closer to the knees of the people sitting in the seats below me, but I couldn't manage to do that without pressing my legs against the row of stranger-knees.

Let me just interject here that I hate being touched by strangers' arms, legs, backs, heads, feet, knees, etc., but being touched by someone else's butt, even if it's clothed, is truly unbearable. I honestly thought I could feel my skin crawling from sheer disgust.

Anyway - back to the story.

So I was freaking out - and I mean freaking. I was trapped with nowhere to go! I keep trying to angrily turn around and 'accidentally' nudge the dude that belonged to the offending ass, but he wouldn't turn around! I then tried to 'accidentally' loose my grip on the bar and 'bump' (ok - it was more like a plow) into his back with my elbows. Unfortunately for me, none of my usual attention-getting tactics worked and he continued his tour of obliviousness!

After trying several discreet (and not-so-discreet) defensive maneuvers, some silent gagging, and the welling up of a few tears, the ass-offender (thankfully!) got off the train leaving me and my ass alone. On his way off the train, I did notice that the ass-guy had been the same one who had struggled to squeeze himself into the train when there most-definitely was no room for him.

Ass! (Haha - no pun intended!) Clearly this fellow does not know anything about train etiquette! Let's hope I don't ever bump into him again. I may have to kill him.