I HATE! Subway Stairwell Rushers

Each morning, I descend the stairs that lead into the subterranean train system that we here in New York fondly refer to as the subway. And almost every morning, I find that a fellow commuter is in such a rush to get down to the platform that he or she practically knocks me over in the stairwell despite the fact that the train is not (nor is even close to) pulling into the station.

This - as you can imagine - drives me absolutely bonkers. First of all, let's consider how common sense might play into this scenario. Why run down the stairs - stairs which are narrow, often slippery, littered with garbage and pools of standing water - and risk falling on your ass? But more importantly, why rush down the stairs when the train isn't even coming? You can determine whether the train is approaching from above ground, so if it's obviously not, why is it necessary to push other commuters out of the way in order to get down to the platform?

It gives me anxiety - unnecessary anxiety - to hear someone's hurried footsteps approaching as I cautiously make my way down the stairs into the station. If the train is coming, I assure you, I'll be rushing too, but if there's radio silence, frankly, you rushing up behind me really makes me want to trip you and watch as you tumble down the concrete stairs. (Honesty is the best policy!)

I just don't understand why people need to rush when there is no train to rush for. I know taking the subway is an exciting experience - loud noises, fast trains, lots of people - but you'd think New Yorkers would be able to contain their excitement and maintain a bit of composure. Pushing? A bit 3rd grade, don't you think?

I HATE! People Who Cover Their Ears in the Subway

Ok - I know I tend to post a lot about the subway and all the annoying things subway riders do, but I have one more subway-related post that I just have to go ahead with.

Have you ever noticed those fucking annoying people who just must cover their ears while they're in the subway and a train goes by? Well, I have, and in case you haven't picked up on it yet, I hate these people!

Look: I'll make this simple. Anyone who knows anything knows that the New York City subway system is loud. That's just a fact. The trains are loud. The trains are old (mostly). The tracks are old. The tunnels are old. And the whole thing is underground (read: enclosed) where sound continually riquochets off the perpetually encroaching tunnel walls. If this isn't a recipe for a ruckus, I don't know what is.

What I'm trying to say here is that if you can't handle the noise, don't take the train... or get some f-ing earplugs. There is no reason to subject the rest of us to how stupid you look when you hold your hands over your ears like a petulant child throwing a tantrum when his mother refuses to buy him ice cream. And, yes, for all of you out there who feel the absolute need to cover your ears when a train passes by, you really DO look stupid. All it is is a little noise - grow a pair! Most of us adults can handle it.

I HATE! Crowded Subways

OMG! This morning, I experienced my worst nightmare. Let me take a deep breath before I continue. This was truly a harrowing and traumatic experience.

By now, you probably know that I do not like being touched by strangers, having to touch strangers, rubbing up against strangers, being in any sort of close proximity to strangers etc. etc. I am easily skeeved when someone inadvertently brushes up against me on the street / in passing for 5 seconds. When a stranger's extremity leans /brushes / touches / sits / rests upon any part of me for more than those quasi-tolerable 5 seconds, I can't help but lose my mind. And this morning (ugh - I shudder to reflect on it), I traveled uptown on the 4 /5 train - one which, normally, I don't have to take (and thank god because it's always so damn crowded!) - for a doctor's appointment. The ride up to the appointment was relatively uneventful, except the train was very crowded, but I expected it to be so and therefore, it was bearable. The way back, however, was vomit-inducing.

The train was even more crowded then it was on the way uptown, but I took a deep breath, grinned (ok, i didn't grin - if you must know, I put on an angry face), and bore it... that is, until people continued to try to force themselves into the already-packed train at each and every subsequent stop. After jockeying for a better position holding onto one of the bars above the seated (lucky bastards) train patrons, and one that didn't include my face being smushed into the bossom of an abnormally tall amazon-esque woman, I, all of sudden, felt... (I can't even bring myself to conjure up the image / feeling again) someone else's ass pressing against mine. The moment I felt it, I tried to move to the right, to the left, anywhere I could to prevent the asses from pressing against each other. I swear to God, when I moved, the other ass moved along with mine. It's as if the stupid guy had squeezed himself in between my ass and some other passenger's body and could only mimic our movements due to lack of mobility. I couldn't escape the ass on ass! (Side note: was I possibly being sexually harassed, but just didn't realize it? Discuss.) I wanted to die! It was horrible. I tried to inch forward, closer to the knees of the people sitting in the seats below me, but I couldn't manage to do that without pressing my legs against the row of stranger-knees.

Let me just interject here that I hate being touched by strangers' arms, legs, backs, heads, feet, knees, etc., but being touched by someone else's butt, even if it's clothed, is truly unbearable. I honestly thought I could feel my skin crawling from sheer disgust.

Anyway - back to the story.

So I was freaking out - and I mean freaking. I was trapped with nowhere to go! I keep trying to angrily turn around and 'accidentally' nudge the dude that belonged to the offending ass, but he wouldn't turn around! I then tried to 'accidentally' loose my grip on the bar and 'bump' (ok - it was more like a plow) into his back with my elbows. Unfortunately for me, none of my usual attention-getting tactics worked and he continued his tour of obliviousness!

After trying several discreet (and not-so-discreet) defensive maneuvers, some silent gagging, and the welling up of a few tears, the ass-offender (thankfully!) got off the train leaving me and my ass alone. On his way off the train, I did notice that the ass-guy had been the same one who had struggled to squeeze himself into the train when there most-definitely was no room for him.

Ass! (Haha - no pun intended!) Clearly this fellow does not know anything about train etiquette! Let's hope I don't ever bump into him again. I may have to kill him.

I HATE! When People Try to Fit into Subway Seats that Are Too Small for Them

Imagine this: You’re sitting on the end of a three-person seat on the subway. Another person is sitting in the seat at the other end of the three – leaving one seat in between the two of you.

Everyone who rides the subways in NYC knows that subway seats are pretty narrow; they’re not nearly wide enough to fit three normal-sized people across with comfort. Granted, I realize that comfort is probably not one of the MTA’s top priorities, but the narrowness of the seats leads me to my next pet peeve – when someone tries to squeeze into the middle seat when there is clearly not enough room for him or her to do so.

If it looks like there’s not enough room for you to fit between the two already-seated riders, please, don’t try to squeeze yourself in. It will only make everyone uncomfortable - you included.

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not complaining about overweight people here. If I board the train and upon assessing my seating options, see the above scenario, and I determine that the empty seat between the two seated riders in not large enough for me to sit in comfortably, then I will remain standing. I won’t even try. And through this blog, I am urging every other MTA rider, big or small, to do the same.

Of course, part of my abhorrence of this scenario comes from my extreme dislike of rubbing up against people I do not know. Even when I just see someone trying to squish in the middle subway seat, I cringe. If I am sitting on one of the end seats in a three-seater and someone wiggles his way between me and the other passenger seated on the other end of the three-seater, I will probably get up and move. I would much rather stand than be sandwiched between two potentially dirty, sweaty, and germ-ridden strangers with bad breath, body odor, and lice looking for a new home. The thought of this makes me want to vomit.

And I don't care if you're offended by my getting up the moment you sit down, practically on me (that's how small the subway seats are); you shouldn't be trying to squeeze your huge ass into the tiny sliver of orange or yellow plastic that remains between me and the person at the other end of the three-seater. I would get up even if Prince Harry himself sat down next to me (and I love me some hot prince ginge). I just don't like touching other people!

But seriously, the point is, it won't kill you to stand for two more minutes until someone sitting in a non-middle seat gets up! People are just so damn lazy! (Note to self: I Hate! Lazy People)

I HATE! People Trying to Board a Train Before You Can Exit

Ok - this may very well be my number one most HATED pet peeve.

It's common sense: let the people who are on the train off before you try to get on - seems sensible, right? But it amazes me, everytime I am trying to exit a subway car, people try to board before I can even get entirely out the door.

Logistically, it would make sense to let those who are trying to exit the train get out before you try to board - when people leave the train car you're want to get into, there will be more room for you. You won't be forced to wiggle your way into that tiny little space between the business man with the beer belly and the sweaty construction woker. Right?

Apparently this logic has not yet occurred to many New Yorkers. I get it - maybe people disregard common courtesy and common sense because everyone is clamoring to grab one of the inevitably few available seats on the rush hour trains. (I can't help but be reminded of kids scrambling to pick up the candy spewed all over the ground from a recently broken pinata.) Or maybe this phenomenon occurs simply because New Yorkers are impatient and rude - something everyone in the world already assumes anyway.

Either way, it makes no sense to me. Let people off FIRST; there will be more room for you when you do finally board the train and it is common courtesy. I think I've established the logic in this sequence of events. Because really, how much satisifaction are you going to get when force your way onto the train like a fish swimming against the current, manage to snag a seat, but slam into and practically knock over the little old lady with the walker trying to get off the train?

Additionally, if it's rush hour and the train is horribly crowded, you can't get on until I get off ANYWAY (unless you want the aforementioned standing room between the beer belly and the sweaty guy) - so why can't you wait a few extra moments? It's like these people will spontaneously combust if they are kept waiting another 7 seconds. You probably just waited 15 minutes for the train! Chill out a few moments more!

If it wasn't already apparent, this is a sitaution that I encounter pretty much every day - and so, I've developed an interesting approach to dealing with this. If I am on the train and we pull into a station and I see that people are standing in front of the door that I will be trying to exit through, blocking my exit path as they ALWAYS do, I purposely, and with as much force as possible without seeming like an aspiring linebacker, walk right into them. If you are going to bumrush and practically trample me trying to get an open seat on the train, I am damn well going to give you a run for your money (and a shoulder to the chest!).