I HATE! Denim on Denim

I have long since known that wearing denim on denim is a crime of fashion. I did not know, however, that there is an official name for this unacceptable practice. Apparently, it's been dubbed the Canadian Tuxedo, which sounds awful even if you don't know what it is.

But alas, I digress. Let me get back on point. The Canadian Tuxedo was suggested to me as a topic I might like to write about (i.e. something I might like to hate) by a dear friend of mine who has been living in Ireland for the past two years or so. I guess I'm to gather that many Irishmen (and don't get me wrong, I would never ever diss my own heritage) have fallen victim to this trend. Perhaps that's why she suggested it? Although, judging from the sheer horrendousness of it (see picture at left - we all remember the 2001 American Music Awards, but unfortunately not for the music or the winners), I would have assumed that this abomination was American-specific.

Regardless, this is definitely something that has been on my radar. Denim on demin, even if the denim matches exactly, is never acceptable. Why wear so much denim? Why not diversify? No one is going to want to look at you if you're wearing the equivalent of a denim jumpsuit. No one is going to know where to look if you're wearing denim from head to toe. It's not just natural. Even the cowboys intermingled a plaid shirt here and there.

And don't even get me started on wearing UN-MATCHING denim on denim. There is no excuse for this. There's nothing I can even say to justify such a thing. This just shouldn't happen. Ever. If you're wearing one wash / color / shade of denim on the bottom, refrain from wearing the jean jacket of a different wash / color / shade. I'm sure there's something else in your closet - another alternative. How about some nice paisly or plaid or gingham? Anything would be preferable to an un-coorindated denim jacket or shirt.

Let me just explain where the problem lies exactly because I'm not sure I'm being 100% clear. When you wear two different washes of denim, a light wash jean jacket with dark denim jeans for example, you look like you were trying to match, but failed miserably. It just looks trashy. You look straight out of the 80s and I think this is a trend, unlike old-school Ray Bans for example, that we never ever want to be reincarnated. And especially if you're wearing a head-to-toe denim get-up and living and/or visiting New York City, you're basically screaming 'I'm a tourist from some bumblefuck town in the Mid-West, please ridicule me mercilessly, rob me, and strip me of dignity.'

So the moral of the story is that unless you're a cowboy that actually needs to wear a matching denim suit for ranching purposes (and even if you are and you do, you should change before leaving the house to attend a public function), then there is absolutely no need to ever wear denim on both halves of your body.

I HATE! Slow Walkers

I just noticed that I am a member of a Facebook group called 'I Want to Punch Slow Walking People in the Head'. And it's totally true. I would indeed like to punch slow-walkers in the back of the head. I don't know what it is about slow things that I hate, but I really do seem to abhor them, don't I? First slow drivers and now this.

But make no mistake; this is no fly-by-night hatred that I'm expressing here. I have always hated people who walk too slow. That's probably because I am always in a rush. I am also a speed walker and slow-walkers just get in my way when I'm trying to get somewhere fast - which, as we just discussed, is always.

My opinion on this issue is similar to my opinion on slow drivers. Be slow, that's fine, but don't obstruct other people's paths in the process. Stay along the side of the sidewalk or street and allow others to pass you. Don't meander along, zig-zagging as if you're the only pedestrian on the New York City sidewalks. People are trying to get around you!

I really hate when I'm stuck behind a slow-walker, but can't go around them because there is an equally slow person coming toward you on the opposite side of the sidewalk. I feel trapped! I get panicky! If you're going to mosey along, just stick to the right side of the sidewalk. It works the same way it works when you're in a car; you stay to the right side of the road, and if you choose to pass, you, momentarily as you pass, move into the left lane to do so. For some reason, on the sidewalks, people feel as if they have license to go back and forth between the different sides of the sidewalk - NO! People seriously have a great deal of difficulty adhering to the simple unspoken rules of the concrete jungle. Everyone knows you're supposed to stay on the right hand side of the sidewalk, but most do not abide by this. Why? How hard is it to do this?????

Side note: If you're walking along and you suddenly stop, I am probably going to walk into you (on purpose). Don't stop suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk. For example, if you were in a car and you suddenly braked, the person behind you would most certainly rear-end you and fuck up your car...badly. Use that as your model. If you must stop to admire the view, tie your shoe, or scratch your ass, move over to the side and GET OUT OF THE MOTHERFUCKING WAY!

I HATE! People Who Walk Around with Bluetooth Earpieces in Their Ears When They're Not on the Phone

I can't believe I haven't blogged about this yet. I've said this before, but I really mean it this time; people who walk around with bluetooth earpieces in their ears even they're not on the phone may be the thing I hate most in the world. Seriously. I get instantaneously enraged when I catch a glimpse of someone walking around with one of those things in their ears - especially if they're not even using it to talk on the phone. It's pathetic, isn't it?


My theory about the recent emergence and influx of the bluetooth earpiece is that super busy business people started using them while driving, walking, exercising - to make multitasking easier and less dangerous. But then people who aren't super busy and aren't important realized that if they wore the earpiece as well, they would also come across to others as super busy and important.


But what I want to emphasize here is that the earpiece DOESN'T MAKE YOU LOOK IMPORTANT! A middle-aged man wearing an 'I Love NY' tee-shirt and Hawaiian print shorts does not automatically transform into a VIP when he slips on the earpiece. It doesn't work like that. The earpiece doesn't have magical powers.


If you must earpiece and are not, in fact, a business person (I will admit that the earpiece leaves both hands open and available to do other things), take it off of your ear once your finished talking! Don't leave it there! You look foolish!


You're a 25 year old Guido trying to sweet-talk a lady? You look foolish with that thing in your ear! You're a 45 year old soccer mom with 4 kids hanging from each of your limbs? You look idiotic with that earpiece on! Your a 30 year old foreign tourist trying to navigate your way through NYC? Take that thing out of your ear right this minute; you are not fooling anyone into thinking you are some important foreign dignitary!



NO!

I'm not sure what exactly it is about this that makes me crazy, but I almost want to run up to everyone I see wearing a bluetooth earpiece and rip it out of their ear and throw it as far as I can. Maybe it's because, when using the earpiece inappropriately, people are basically trying to masquerade as someone or something that they're not. And that really makes me crazy.

I HATE! Unibrows

The above is a still from the footage CNN took from inside the Mormon compound in Texas, right after all the children had been taken and put into protective custody. While this is a very serious issue, that is obviously not what I intend to blog about. I would like everyone out there (all 2 of you) to guess, judging from the above photo, what I will be blogging about today.


You guessed it... the UNIBROW! I will admit that I hate the unibrow and half love it. The thought of having one long eyebrow is so amusing to me that I would possibly be willing to put aside all (or a little bit) of my hatred for it. I think, maybe the line between my love and hate for the unibrow, in fact, depends on whether the wearer of 'the brow' is male or female.


If the wearer is a woman, she is obviously a pimp because if you are a woman and don't know that women should never ever ever have a unibrow, then you're totally living in your own isolated little bubble (i.e. polygamist compound in Texas) and don't care about societal norms and more power to your for defying the modern-day expectations. I mean, I would never sport the uni, but I respect the woman who has the courage to walk around with what looks to be a caterpillar taking a nap on her brow bone.


On the other side of this argument, which I admit is 100% sexist by the way, there is the man who sports the uni - unacceptable! NO woman is attracted to a guy with a unibrow (which is not to say that men are actually attracted to women with unibrows), but seriously fellows, just because you're a guy and you are usually less hygienic then your female counterparts, does not mean you can walk around without tweezing. It's very necessary.


Take this scenario for example: Two of my friends and I were in a pub in Ireland, imbibing an laughing, when we were approached by a nice Irish fellow with the WORST UNIBROW I HAVE EVER SEEN. It was straight across, not even a little less hair in the middle - it was completely the same thickness ALL THE WAY ACROSS. Of course he tried to hit on one of the girls I was with and of course, she couldn't even bare to look to him because of the brow. There was a chance that he could have been a decent-looking fellow if he had had two brows instead of one, but no one could see past the brow. We just laughed and laughed even though we tried not to. And the poor fellow probably had no idea why we were cackling like hyenas. We weren't even trying to be mean, but how can you seriously try to approach a girl with a brow like that? Seriously??




And the thing is, it's very easy to fix a unibrow. All you need is some tweezers. It may a take awhile, but it's as easy as plucking those stray hairs (or thick bush, whatever may the case be) away!

And if the solution is this simple, doesn't that mean there's no excuse for a uni?

I HATE! People with Dumb Nicknames

This is a post inspired by a particular 'friend' of a dear friend of mine. While I have never met this fellow, I dislike him an incredible amount as I do not approve of the way he speaks to this friend of mine. I also recall that he once ran away from my friend because he was chasing down one of his equally idiotic friends who had stolen his pizza - or something along those lines. Regardless, I am not writing to say that I hate him. I hate the fact that this fellow has one of the dumbest nicknames of all time. If someone called me what he is called all the time, I would move to another state and make a fresh start. It's that bad.

I will not reveal this fellow's real name or even his real nickname, but I will give you a comparable example. Let's say, for example, that this fellow's real name is John Jimmy Dean; his nickname, if created using the same process as the real-life nickname, would therefore be Sausagey. The real fellow has a nickname just as dumb and derived in a similarly retarded fashion.

So basically this kid's friends, girlfriends, and probably parents all call him Sausagey. Sausagey! Can you believe it? I hope to God that he doesn't think this is a cool nickname. I hope he doesn't take pride in being called it. I hope, for his sake (and I'm not even trying to be nice here), that the nickname fades as he grows into adulthood. If I had someone in my office nicknamed Sausagey, I would loose my shit every time I had to talk to him. I couldn't take him seriously. Hell, I don't think anyone takes him seriously now!

The message of this post is thus: if your name requires that a nickname be created in it's place, please make it funny or witty or at least not completely idiotic. I don't want to associate myself with anyone named Sausagey - or anyone with a similar nickname. It makes me look bad. And you? Forget about it, Sausagey!

I HATE! When People Use Words They Don't Know the Meaning Of

Teenage girl #1: What did he say?
Teenage girl #2: He just texted me back "touché". Everyone always says that, what does that mean anyway?
Teenage girl #1: Ummm...I think it's like "true that!"

--Nail Salon, Park Slope

The above excerpt from my very favorite website, Overheardinnewyork.com, as used as my dear friend Julie's AIM away message yesterday, reminded me of something I hate (surprise!): people who use words they don't know the meaning of or people who use words in the wrong context. I am certainly not saying that I have never done this before - as small child (I was, in fact, a small child once), I had an expansive vocabulary, but hardly ever used any of the big words I knew in the right context. Pertinent was one of my faves - you can imagine how many ways I found to butcher that one.

My point is that if you're a grown adult, and you don't know the meaning of a word, don't use it while speaking. If you use it in the wrong context, you will sounds like an idiot. Make no mistake about that. I can't even tell you how many times I've heard people use words at inappropriate times and you know that they're only using them in the first place because they think the use of large vocabulary words will make them sound more intelligent. Wrong!

One of the first things I learned in journalism school was that the general population doesn't understand big words and using them in news pieces and articles only confuses viewers / readers. This rule of thumb applies to everyone. You can get your point across effectively using simple vocabulary and if you do this, chances are you won't misuse a word and sound like a complete idiot. And we all know that when you sound like an idiot, no one will take you seriously. Case in point: both my high school and my college were filled to the brim with folks who used big words to fill in where their actual thoughts left off. Classes were filled with students' long-winded comments littered with many mentions of words like erroneously, posthumously, antithesis, and eradicate.

Additionally, using overly complicated and long-winded words when unnecessary makes you sounds pretentious. And generally, no one appreciates or wants to listen to a puffed-up, self-promoting asshole. See example below:

Normal Sentence: Thank you for donating to our charity.

Pretentious or Just-Plain-Stupid Asshole Sentence: I would like to express my immense gratitude for your thoughtful and generous beneficence to our charitable organization.

See the difference? If you want to use complicated words, write a research paper or submit to a literary journal, but don't use that pompous vocabulary in every day conversation, especially if you secretly have no idea what the word you're using means. You're going to get your spot blown up.

I HATE! When People De-Friend You on Facebook

I was a little hesitant to write on this particular topic because I don't really like to broadcast to the world how truly important Facebook is to my life. I'm a little embarrassed of how much time I spend (unintentionally) stalking people through Facebook.

The reason I bring this up is because, yesterday, I was perusing Facebook, just looking around, not cruising for any particular information on any particular person, when I stumbled upon the profile of an old flame. Actually, I didn't stumble upon it; Facebook now has a feature that shows you people you might know based on all the other people you're friends with (creeps, right?). So anyway, this fellow's picture popped up on the right-hand corner of my screen and I couldn't help myself, so I friended him. It wasn't until after I clicked the affirmative button to the question that said "Are you sure you want to friend so-and-so?", that I realized that we actually had previously been friends on Facebook (during our so-called affair), and that he had, in fact, de-friended me after things had ended kind of badly. Basically that "Are you sure?" button is there to prevent people from doing the exact idiotic thing that I had just done.

Then it occurred to me: de-friending someone on Facebook is low. Really low. You have to really really hate someone to de-friend them on Facebook, which is why I have decided that de-friending is definitely not an OK thing to do. It's just totally unnecessary. I remember when I noticed that I had been de-friended by the aforementioned boy; I was crushed and not because I was heart-broken over the end of our "romance". (OK, actually I will admit that that was, in fact, part of the reason why I was so upset, but that's not the point here!) But I wondered, did I disgust him so much that he couldn't even stand to look at my name when it popped up on his Mini Feed? Did he hate me to such a degree that he hated getting a notification that I had changed my profile picture?

De-friending someone on Facebook is the equivalent to saying: "I hate you. Never speak to me again. Your face repulses me." It's harsh! And unless, you really really mean it, you should never do it. It can leave scars.