I HATE! Those Ignorant to Proper Sidewalk Etiquette

I was under the impression that there was an established code of sidewalk etiquette, but in recent months, it has come to my attention that either a) such a code must not exist and I have been mistaken for all of these years or b) a code exists, but no one abides by it / knows about it.

How many times have I been minding my own business, walking down the street, bopping my head in time with an (undoubtedly embarrassing) song playing on my iPod, taking in the city landscape, when all of a sudden, the person walking in front of me stops abruptly in his or her tracks, blocking the sidewalk, but even more importantly, obstructing my path and interrupting my walking rhythm? The answer? More times than I can count. (Most of the time, I come to find the offender to be a tourist, stopping to snap a picture of the oh-so-(not)-amazing Trump Hotel or Time Warner Center, but regardless...)

The point of my ramblings here is this: common courtesy (which i am clearly a huge proponent of) would dictate that if you are going to stop abruptly to take a photograph or tie your shoe or pick your wedgie or WHATEVER, move your fat ass to the side of the sidewalk - don't stand in the middle of pedestrian traffic, essentially asking for someone to trip over you. This is (or at least should be) the code of the street.

And here's another bullet point under The Sidewalk Etiquette Code: just like cars drive on the right side of the road, so too should pedestrians walk on the right side of the sidewalk. If you abide by this, it eliminates any chance of pedestrian collisions. And in my case (since apparently I like to bob and weave through sidewalk crowds), if every pedestrian followed the Code guidelines, I could easily navigate the sidewalks without having the urge to shove wayward pedestrians out of my way in order to keep up my pace.

Other more minor notes on the Code:

• Don't drift from one side of the sidewalk to another - this prevents people who want to pass you from doing so.
• Keep up your walking pace - don't slow down and speed up - this is essentially like asking someone to run into your back or step on your heels.
• Don't ride your bike / skateboard / scooter / Segway on the sidewalk - I will throw a stick or rock into your tire.
• If you're a slow-walker, stay to the very right side of the sidewalk - you should virtually be sliding your body along the side of the store fronts to ensure that the faster walkers have room to pass you.
• Do not unintentionally / intentionally hit passing pedestrians with your shopping bags / briefcase / umbrella - this is grounds for an immediate punch in the face... seriously I CANNOT STAND IT WHEN SOMEONE HITS ME IN THE FACE WITH HIS UMBRELLA.
• Do not jokingly mess around with your friends while walking on a crowded sidewalk - if I get bumped into by a rowdy teenager, I will push back with Incredible Hulk-like strength.
• Do not come out of a store / house / apartment, step out onto the sidewalk without looking both ways, jut out in front of another pedestrian, and essentially cut them off - it works the same way as it does when you're in a car; cutting people off is dangerous and can incite road rage or, in my case, sidewalk rage.

And I'm sure there are more, I'm forgetting to mention right now, but essentially, these are the main points of the Code and should be abided by, by all, with meticulous attention. This will undoubtedly make the world a better place. Thank you.

I HATE! Slow Walkers

I just noticed that I am a member of a Facebook group called 'I Want to Punch Slow Walking People in the Head'. And it's totally true. I would indeed like to punch slow-walkers in the back of the head. I don't know what it is about slow things that I hate, but I really do seem to abhor them, don't I? First slow drivers and now this.

But make no mistake; this is no fly-by-night hatred that I'm expressing here. I have always hated people who walk too slow. That's probably because I am always in a rush. I am also a speed walker and slow-walkers just get in my way when I'm trying to get somewhere fast - which, as we just discussed, is always.

My opinion on this issue is similar to my opinion on slow drivers. Be slow, that's fine, but don't obstruct other people's paths in the process. Stay along the side of the sidewalk or street and allow others to pass you. Don't meander along, zig-zagging as if you're the only pedestrian on the New York City sidewalks. People are trying to get around you!

I really hate when I'm stuck behind a slow-walker, but can't go around them because there is an equally slow person coming toward you on the opposite side of the sidewalk. I feel trapped! I get panicky! If you're going to mosey along, just stick to the right side of the sidewalk. It works the same way it works when you're in a car; you stay to the right side of the road, and if you choose to pass, you, momentarily as you pass, move into the left lane to do so. For some reason, on the sidewalks, people feel as if they have license to go back and forth between the different sides of the sidewalk - NO! People seriously have a great deal of difficulty adhering to the simple unspoken rules of the concrete jungle. Everyone knows you're supposed to stay on the right hand side of the sidewalk, but most do not abide by this. Why? How hard is it to do this?????

Side note: If you're walking along and you suddenly stop, I am probably going to walk into you (on purpose). Don't stop suddenly in the middle of the sidewalk. For example, if you were in a car and you suddenly braked, the person behind you would most certainly rear-end you and fuck up your car...badly. Use that as your model. If you must stop to admire the view, tie your shoe, or scratch your ass, move over to the side and GET OUT OF THE MOTHERFUCKING WAY!

I HATE! People Who Don't Curb Their Dogs

I am in a particularly foul mood today. My apartment search has basically hit a brick wall and I'm freaking out in a major way. Therefore, I need to find something completely unrelated to bitch about in order to distract myself from thinking about my real problems. What? There's nothing wrong with this; it helps me get my aggression out in a healthy way. The alternative, non-healthy way? Beating someone up.


Anyway, I took a little trip to Dublin, Ireland (with my two future roommates actually - well, they'll only be my future roommates only if we find an apartment, and that looks like a grim prospect at the moment) and while we were there, I noticed a pretty repulsive trend. Nobody curbed their dogs; seriously, there was dog... excrement... everywhere. (Notice my hesitation here - there is something you should definitely know about me - i hate discussing poop and from now on I will refer to the aforementioned substance as DP.) Anyway, I'm talking DP all over the sidewalks. It looked like it had rained DP. It was heinous. You practically had to hop, skip, and jump your way down the street in order to avoid stepping in a big pile of DP. Seriously, I am very squeamish around DP, well actually P is general, but especially DP and the constant presence of DP on the sidewalks and streets of Dublin was just a little too much for me to handle. I couldn't figure out why no one thought letting their digs shit everywhere wasn't an issue. It's totally gross!

So that brings to mind another thing I hate - when people don't curb their dogs. Come on folks! It's a common courtesy. I realize I talk a lot about common courtesy, but really, this is one of those things that you shouldn't even have to wonder whether to do or not. It should be instinctual. No one wants to have to haphazardly navigate the sidewalks just to avoid stepping in your dog's P!

And I don't even want to get into the horror that is stepping in DP - this may in fact be one of the worst things ever! This has happened to me several times in the past and each time, I want to burn the shoes that were unfortunately sacrificed to the DP and then curl up into a ball and cry. I hate DP and I hate ruining a pair of shoes. And this circumstance causes me to face both atrocities. Ah! I can't even think about it anymore. I'm starting to feel nauseous.

The moral of the story is: clean up after your dogs, people! If you're going to insist on having them in the first place, do right by society and clean up after them. I know picking up DP with a plastic-bag-covered hand is gross, but dogs are gross. Deal with it. You can't have your cake and eat it too.