I HATE! Being Puked On

Ok - so this is kind of an unusual (and rather gross) post, but I'm going to go ahead and discuss it at length anyway.

A few days ago, I was having some much-needed catch-up with one of my best girlfriends and, although I'm not sure how we veered off track into a conversation about throwing up, we ended up sharing stories of adventures in puking. Yes, that's right - puking, specifically being puked on.

If you're giggling to yourself right now, please stop; I have some very serious stories of regurgitation to share with you all - ones which will hopefully convince you, my captive audience, never to allow yourself to vomit on another human being.

Have you ever been thrown-up on? No? Well I have, twice to be specific, and let me tell you, it's not an experience I'd wish on too many people (maybe just the ones who I really really hate). The first time I was puked on, I was an innocent middle schooler, attending my very first live concert without my parents. (And it should come as no surprise to you that the concert I got puked on was Dave Matthews Band.) Let me just assure you that I don't actually like DMB (I hate it when people use this abbreviation, by the way, but the band's name is simply too long to spell out repeatedly), but I was offered free tickets, so I went. Who could refuse that offer?

Well, I'll tell you why I should have declined - I got majorly puked on. The scenario played out like this: I was on my feet in front of my seat, awkwardly clapping to the beat and attempting to pretend like I knew at least some of the words to the songs. There were a few rowdy guys behind us, boozing it up and being loud. Clearly, I was peeved that these guys were being raucous and was trying my hardest to ignore them, but all of a sudden, I hear a weird sound, like a gasp escaping from someone's throat. In the next second, before I could even turn around to give the fellow behind me a dirty look, my BARE shoulders were being covered in a lovely layer of VOMIT. It must have been projectile because the guy behind me was at least 5 feet behind me. Seriously, that's what happened, and you'd better believe I ran out of there so fast, I think I left a trail of exhaust in my wake. Didn't even stop to flip the puker off or give him my best 'i hate you' death stare. Believe me when I say that his was truly one of the more disgusting experiences I had ever been privy to. Until...

Yes, there is an 'until'. Several years later, when I was in high school (and when I thought I was God's gift to the world), I was at a friend's house for a mini-party. I had come to the party and brought another 'friend' with me - one who was younger, male, and not as bad-ass as I thought I was. The catalyst of this story is that I was being a bad influence, trying to make my younger male companion drink copious amounts of peach schnapps - clearly a BAD IDEA. After more fun and more drinking, we finally settled down for the night - me on one side of the couch with my younger male companion on the other so that my back was facing his front, but in extremely close proximity. So we're just laying there, trying to fall asleep, when all of a sudden, i hear a noise (yes, another noise) coming from behind me, like a frog rising in his throat. This time, I knew what was coming, but couldn't move out of the way fast enough to avoid that telltale spray. So lo and behold, in a few seconds, there was regurgitated cheese steak and peach schnapps all over my back. Absolutely awful - let me assure you. Needless to say, I spent the rest of the night in the bathroom, using the shower hose to clean vomit off of both me and my drunken companion.

Sorry to be long winded, but I think you get the gist of my two tales - don't puke on other people. It's not cute. Actually, it's fucking gross. I can't even stand to be in the same room with my own puke, let alone someone else's. If you feel you're going to ralph, and you're in close proximity to other, turn your head, aim for the floor, or run toward some form of trash receptacle. Quick thinking on your part could save someone years of pain and suffering. Once someone throws up on you, you're pretty much forced to throw away the clothes you were wearing when the incident occurred. And everyone knows I don't like to part with any of my clothes...