I HATE! Assholes - Part Deux

I have a confession to make. I (gulp) wore my sunglasses on the subway last week. I know! I know! It's awful. But I had a really legit excuse for committing such an egregious hypocrisy. And you know that I wouldn't have worn sunglasses inside unless I had a really, really, really good excuse... I can only afford to look like that big of an asshole once or twice a year!

The excuse is as follows: I went to the dermatologist last week one day after work for a follow-up appointment. My first visit was rather tame - a consultation really - so I wasn't expecting anything too different the second time around. The doctor, apparently, had other plans and immediately went to work on my face. She wiped off all of my make up (with a towelette that was so saturated with alcohol that it could have been used as an anesthesia substitute) and then proceeded to poke and prod my face with some sort of crazy-looking metal tool that I initially thought to be a medieval instrument of torture.

To put it bluntly, I left the doctor's office looking like my face got stuck between a rock and a cheese grater. I had planned on reapplying 'my face' before I went back out in public, but the doctor had just blown up my spot by saying that the "large amount of make-up" I wear was probably the reason for my clogged pores, and even though I am somewhat vain, I'm not a glutton for punishment. So in lieu of the make-up, I searched my purse to try to find something that might help me to conceal my battle wounds. Save covering my entire face with a tissue, the best I could do was my (brand-new!) sunglasses. In MacGuyver-like fashion, I managed to create a disguise for myself using only the sunglasses and my hair, succeeding in almost completely concealing my identity (and the cheese-greater face). Brilliant!

Don't mind the lengthy transgression - on to the real point of this post. So here I am, walking the streets of New York at dusk idiotically wearing sunglasses as if I'm hiding from the paparazzi. I am already self-conscious enough at this point because I'm feeling super hypocritical, like a real douche. After all, I'm the one who always makes fun of those who do just what I was doing at that instant - wearing sunglasses despite the lack of sunlight. If I could have seen myself, I'm sure I would make fun of me.

Anyway, as I'm making my way to the subway, I begin to notice that people are staring at me, without even trying to hide it - just blatantly looking me up and down with expressions ranging from the stifled, cynical smirk to the completely unbridled sneer of disapproval. Let me make something clear to all the morons I encountered on the street that day: just because I am wearing sunglasses does not mean that I am blind and cannot see the way you are looking at me! Are you people retarded?!?! Correct me if I'm making assumptions here, but Ray-Ban Wayfarers usually aren't the type of glasses that might indicate that one is blind. While you may not be able to see my eyes, I can certainly still see yours AND that horribly judgemental expression written all over your face!!! My dark glasses do not obscure my view of you or any of the other people checking me out (sleazy businessman in cheap suit) or giving me undeserved dirty looks (overly made-up middle-aged woman carrying the wonky-eyed lap dog).

I'm the one wearing the sunglasses! I'm the one who should be secretly judging people! If you're going to overreact to me, my appearance, or the fact that I'm wearing sunglasses at dusk, at least demonstrate a little bit of decorum and try to hide your judgement! It's the only way to be :-)

P.S. I just found out that there is actually a song called Sunglasses at Night written and performed by a fellow named Corey Hart. He wears his sunglasses at night so he can "watch you weave and breath your story lines" and also so he can"keep track of visions" in his eyes. Hmmm... I'm not sure I approve.

I HATE! People Who Wear Sunglasses at Night / Inside

New York is filled with people who think they're God's gift to mankind. The city is pretty much the narcissist capital of the world. We have wannabe actresses, wannabe models, wannabe fashionistas, wannabe literary-types... the list goes on. And in a city where the majority of the population is completely self-absorbed, there are bound to be those people floating around who consider themselves to be way more important than they actually are.

And this brings me to my most recent pet peeve - people who wear their sunglasses inside or at night. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't sunglasses usually used to block the harmful rays of the sun from damaging the delicate, yet absolutely essential organ called the eyes? And doesn't the sun usually go down at night - that is why it's called night, right? There is no sun. And no sun means no harmful UV rays. So wouldn't it make logical sense to not wear your sunglasses when there is no sun, and therefore no UV rays? The logic here is flawless. No one can argue with that.

However, on a daily basis, I see New Yorkers walking around at night or inside with sunglasses on! As I have just proved, it doesn't make logical sense to wear your sunglasses at night or inside, but people do it anyway. Why? Because half of New York thinks it's too cool for school and by wearing sunglasses when unnecessary, people seem cool, mysterious, and important. Or at least, they think they seem cool, mysterious, and important. In actuality, they just look idiotic when they parade around in the subway or in Starbucks wearing big dark glasses.

I think that because New York is so celebrity-obsessed (and because there are so many celebrities living here) that the common people come to the conclusion that wearing sunglasses when not appropriate will signal to others that you're some sort of celebrity. Wearing big dark glasses during the night hints that you don't want to be seen or recognized. You're literally hiding your face. And this tactic often works for celebrities, who really don't want to be recognized and draw any attention or a crowd, but for regular folks? It just makes you look like an f-ing douchebag. And don't fool yourself - no one is going to think you're a celebrity because you're wearing sunglasses on the subway when you're A) taking the subway (celebrities don't usually rock out on mass transit and B) you're wearing You're not as important as you think you are. Get over it and take off the f-ing sunglasses.