I HATE! People Who REALLY Want Other People to Think That They're Important

I haven't ever really mentioned this before as I feel like it's ultimately going to get me into some sort of trouble, but the tidbit I'm about to reveal is integral to my story, so here goes... I work for a major entertainment company. (Kind of anti-climactic, right?) Anyway, the building in which my office is located also happens to house a lot of other entertainment / media entities so there are always a bunch of actor-types and 'famous people' running around willy-nilly. You never know when you're going to encounter someone recognizable. Whatever. I'm over it. It's fine. But OBVIOUSLY, if you work in the building, you're aware of the likeliness of a celebrity encounter and, speaking from personal experience here, you are probably jaded by the possibility. In other words, no one has knocked my socks off... yet. (If I ever run into James Franco though, that might change everything... my WHOLE perspective on shit.)

So on to the story: I'm in the basement of the building, hurriedly trying to decide what I want for lunch. As I'm walking down the corridor (which, around lunch time, always becomes somewhat of a mob scene) trying desperately to bob and weave around the hoards of oblivious tourists, I walked by a girl - probably around my age, tall-ish, cute, and exuding the I-desperately-want-everyone-to-think-I'm important vibe - chatting obnoxiously loud on her cell phone. Of course, that last bit about her being desperate was my own immediate personal judgment, but as I came into closer range, she proved herself true to my initial assessment. Her exact quote was as follows, "I just ran into Bill Hader. He is the coolest dude."

Without trying to sound smug, I think what she meant to say was, "I just saw Bill Hader in Hale & Hearty and I almost peed my pants. I was too dumbfounded to speak to him, but I just saw him and I had to call you right away to tell you because this is just so damn exciting. Highlight of my month for sure, but I'm going to pretend that Bill and I are chill so I can wow all these tourists." I love how this chick makes it seem, as she speaks more-than-audibly on her cell phone in an area impossibly crowded with extremely impressionable out-of-towners, that she is friends with Bill Hader, SNL cast member. I would bet my entire annual salary that bitch does not know Bill Hader, not even a little bit.

I really just hate it when people try to exude importance, when in fact, they have none. Even though I work in entertainment (an industry one might consider to be fast-paced and glamorous), I know I am not important. There is nothing glamorous about what I do and I know it. I don't need to try to impress strangers with tales of celebrity run-ins. I would never elevate my career status or name drop the monikers of people to whom I have absolutely no relation or intimate knowledge of in order to make people think I'm more important than I am. It's exhausting and frankly, extremely transparent. And to be perfectly honest, as I walked past the girl on the phone, the 'friend' of Bill Hader, I smiled smugly to myself because I knew, I just knew, that she was embellishing her story. Let's talk about o-b-v-i-o-u-s.

I HATE! Celebrities with Two First Names

Shannon Elizabeth. Tom Brady. Katy Perry. Lily Allen. Kevin James. Amanda Peet. Tina Fey. Chris Martin. Tracy Morgan. These are all famous examples of people who have two first names. And, you know, there is just something about people with two first names that irks me. Not exactly sure why this is, but I think it might have something to do with the fact these two-first-name celebrity names are actually stage names and not, these folks' birth names. So I guess my problem with the two-first-name-trend is that, often, celebrities choose to have two first names. I don't know; this just seems odd to me.

Let's take Shannon Elizabeth, for example; her name is actually Shannon Elizabeth Fadal. Why drop the Fadal? I suppose that Shannon Elizabeth sounds more elegant (a la Grace Kelly - who is, by the by, another two-first-namer) than Shannon Elizabeth Fadal. But a) Shannon Elizabeth's photo is probably not what I would find in the dictionary if I were to look up 'elegant' and b) there is just no way that anyone would ever believe that Elizabeth is her real, God-given last name.

Ok, Tom Brady's real name is, in fact, Thomas Edward Brady, Jr. so I guess I don't really have anything to say on this one. But he was an athlete first (and a celebrity second - once everyone noticed how good-looking he was), so he doesn't count. Also, I guess that Brady is one of those baby names that originated as a last name and somehow morphed into a 'trendy' first name (you can thank Miranda's - from Sex and the City - ginger baby for that one). I concede; I won't pick on the Patriots poor crippled quarterback.

Moving on: Katy Perry, birth name Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson. Frankly, I would have stuck with Hudson. The name Perry conjures up images of creepy, pedophilic, bald men, while Hudson makes me think of rambling rivers (or... jeans). Jeans and rivers beat creepster baldies any day of the week. She shouldn't have messed with a good thing; I can't even tell you what I would give to have a normal and (if I do say so myself, a rather pleasant) last name. I think I've made my preference (and point) clear.

Ok, ok, Lily (Rose Beatrice) Allen uses her real name. Like Grace Kelly (this is the ONLY comparison between the two I can and ever will make, don't you worry), she just happens to have tow first names by birth, NOT choice. When used as a first name, I'm pretty sure Allen is spelled Alan. Yeah, this wasn't a great example, but it's still annoying.

Tisk, tisk, Kevin James; I have just discovered that your real last name is Knipfing. Kevin Knipfing. Yes, I can see why you chose to go with a stage name; the alliteration is a bit intimidating, but James? Come on! Why not something more interesting? Why not something that didn't automatically propel you head-first into the two-first-name club? Kevin is just so standard on it's own, I don't see the logic in opting to go with James as a fictional surname. If he wanted to keep the Kevin, I would have suggested going for something like Jamieson in order to reverse the roles of each individual name and balance out the full name as a whole. Or if KJ was dead-set on going with James as a surname, he should have changed his first name to Kennedy or Kissinger or Kavanaugh. I would definitely date a dude named Kennedy James or Kevin Jamieson... Kevin James, not so much.

Amanda Peet's real name actually is Amanda Peet, but just a heads-up, if it had been spelled Amanda Pete, we would have had major problems.

Same goes for Tina Fey. Although her proper name is Elizabeth Stamatina Fey, I guess I can't fault her since Fay as a first name is spelled 'Fay' not 'Fey' even though I should have some beef with her as she totally dropped the name Elizabeth, which is so obviously a national tragedy and straight-up diss to all of the card-carrying Elizabeths of the world.

Chris Martin is Christopher John Martin, but he named his babies Apple and Moses so the man gets no sympathy from me.

Tracy Morgan, Tracy Morgan, Tracy Morgan. While your name is, in fact, actually Tracy Morgan, your parents failed to realize that not only did they give you two first names, but they also gave you two female first names. Clearly this permanent embarrassment has not prevented you from building a full-fledged television career, but I thought I'd point out the awful joke that's been played upon you.

My last few examples were a bit weak, I won't deny it, but I think we can all appreciate what I'm going for here. This is an open letter to all of the parents of the world: Please! If your last name happens to also be a first name, get a little creative with the baby's first name. And no, I'm not talking about naming your kid Pilot Inspecktor or Brooklyn or Princess, just use a little imagination to make sure your kid doesn't end up with two first names. It's lame.

And celebrities, consider this your open letter (I'll keep it brief): When choosing a stage name, think. Be smart. Really try to use those few brain cells that still remain.

I HATE! People Who Wear Sunglasses at Night / Inside

New York is filled with people who think they're God's gift to mankind. The city is pretty much the narcissist capital of the world. We have wannabe actresses, wannabe models, wannabe fashionistas, wannabe literary-types... the list goes on. And in a city where the majority of the population is completely self-absorbed, there are bound to be those people floating around who consider themselves to be way more important than they actually are.

And this brings me to my most recent pet peeve - people who wear their sunglasses inside or at night. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't sunglasses usually used to block the harmful rays of the sun from damaging the delicate, yet absolutely essential organ called the eyes? And doesn't the sun usually go down at night - that is why it's called night, right? There is no sun. And no sun means no harmful UV rays. So wouldn't it make logical sense to not wear your sunglasses when there is no sun, and therefore no UV rays? The logic here is flawless. No one can argue with that.

However, on a daily basis, I see New Yorkers walking around at night or inside with sunglasses on! As I have just proved, it doesn't make logical sense to wear your sunglasses at night or inside, but people do it anyway. Why? Because half of New York thinks it's too cool for school and by wearing sunglasses when unnecessary, people seem cool, mysterious, and important. Or at least, they think they seem cool, mysterious, and important. In actuality, they just look idiotic when they parade around in the subway or in Starbucks wearing big dark glasses.

I think that because New York is so celebrity-obsessed (and because there are so many celebrities living here) that the common people come to the conclusion that wearing sunglasses when not appropriate will signal to others that you're some sort of celebrity. Wearing big dark glasses during the night hints that you don't want to be seen or recognized. You're literally hiding your face. And this tactic often works for celebrities, who really don't want to be recognized and draw any attention or a crowd, but for regular folks? It just makes you look like an f-ing douchebag. And don't fool yourself - no one is going to think you're a celebrity because you're wearing sunglasses on the subway when you're A) taking the subway (celebrities don't usually rock out on mass transit and B) you're wearing You're not as important as you think you are. Get over it and take off the f-ing sunglasses.

I HATE! An Update

Ok - I don't hate updates, I just wanted to give an update on a post I made a couple weeks ago. Remember how I was ranting and raving about celebrities thinking being a celebrity qualifies them to design a line of clothing? And remember how I was almost pushed over the edge by the news that faux-celebrity Perez Hilton was awarded a clothing line of his own? Well, as it turns out, I wasn't the only one who was appalled by the thought of the jolly green (or blue, or pink, or whatever horrid color hair he has this week) giant being given license to 'design'. See link below.

http://nymag.com/daily/fashion/2008/06/no_one_wants_perez_hiltons_clo_1.html

I HATE! Celebrities Who Think They Can Design Clothes Just Because They're Celebrities

Just because you're a celebrity does not mean that you have the chops to design a good clothing line. I feel like every day we hear about a new celebrity who has been given carte blanche by some dumb company to create their own clothing, shoe, or jewelery line. This drives me absolutely crazy! Celebrity does not automatically equal good designer. A good designer has gone to design school and has learned about fit, patterns, wearability, practically, and materials.

What do you know about design Heidi Montag, Amanda Bynes, Jennifer Lopez or Paris Hilton? Clearly nothing. Has anyone ever taken a peek at the so-called fashion line Just Sweet designed by J. Lo? Everything in the line looks like it was carved out of the same huge piece of shiny purple polyester. I had the unfortunate experience of accidentally brushing up against one of J. Lo's polyester tent dresses and instantaneously developed a rash from the sheer cheapness of the fabric. 

Paris Hilton's shoe line? Even though I understand that women with larger feet often have trouble finding shoes in their size (a good idea in theory, Paris), let's be real here: a stripper wouldn't even wear Paris' shoes. The line boasts enough Lucite to put the dressing room at Scores to shame. 

And we all heard the reviews of Heidi Montag's (who, by the way, I refuse to admit is a celebrity - waste of space is more like it) line Heidiwood, haven't we? An excerpt from New York Magazine:

"No self-respecting grown woman should allow herself to be seen in these garments. Only two of the twelve items have sleeves, and just one — a pair of jeans — extends past mid-thigh. In fact, only one other thing extends past the upper thigh: a dress that would have been mildly acceptable had it not been made from the kind of cotton you usually only see on Target’s discount panties."

Believe you me, that wasn't even the worst of it. There's a reason why your clothes are only sold at Anchor Blue, Heidi: they're shiteous. Truly heinous. I would compare the quality to Joyce Leslie, Mandee, or Wet Seal.  But what's worse, Heidiwood boasts overpriced versions of clothes found at Joyce Leslie, Mandee, and Wet Seal.  And as the writers of the above NY Mag article noted, no self-respecting woman would be caught dead in anything from the Heidiwood collection. The reviews might seem harsh, but if you had gone to design school before attempting to 'design' your own line, the clothes would probably have been launched to better reviews.

Maybe so many celebrities are given their own clothing lines because so many people try to emulate the way celebrities dress. But I'll let you in on a little secret: celebrities are dressed by stylists. Celebrities' styles are created by stylists. Celebrities don't dress themselves! The stylists should be the ones given the clothing lines. They know about fashion!  They're stylists!

And another question: do we actually think that the celebrities would where their own lines? Absolutely not! And you want to know why? Because celebrity lines are watered-down, cheaply-made versions of the clothes they wear. We're talking obvious emulations of last season's Dolce & Gabanna, Fendi, and Marc Jacobs designs that celebrity stylists picked out for stars to wear several award shows ago.  The celebrity is not concerned with creating well-designed, good quality clothes; a hastily-designed clothing line allows a celebrity to add the title of 'designer' to their resume. You better believe that that's the only reason celebrities do it.