I HATE! When People Read Over Your Shoulder

This actually happens to me a lot. I'll be on the subway, coming home from my office, reading a newspaper, and suddenly, I'll realize that the person sitting next to me is reading the page along with me. Number One: this is nosy - you should mind your own business. Number Two: you're probably too close for comfort: reading over someone else's shoulder often causes you to adjust yourself to be in way too close of a proximity to the original reader. You should back off. Someone could easily take your re-adjustment the wrong way and either a) call the cops on you or b) kick your ass. When someone is reading over your shoulder, you know. You can feel the impending mass. All bodies give off a certain magnetism that can be sensed even when there is no physical touching. And let me tell you, it's a pretty creepy feeling to have to sit next to someone who is hovering over you the whole way home.

And I don't even have to go into how rude it is to read over another person's shoulder. It just is. You are not to position yourself so closely to a stranger as to make them uncomfortable. It defies the laws of common courtesy. (And you all know how big of a proponent of common courtesy I am.)

Let me just also say that reading over someones shoulder when you have B.O. is completely UNACCEPTABLE. If you sense for even one second that you have B.O. (which you should totally be aware of, because if not, I feel REALLY bad for you) or smell like moth balls or have bad breath, DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT ever read over someones shoulder. Yesterday, I got on the train and began my usual routine of reading the papers. At the next stop, two 20-something fellows boarded the train and instantly, the entire car filled with the scent of B.O. - B.O. that had been marinating in a gym locker for 4 years. And of course, these two lovely gentlemen sat down right next to me. I tried my hardest to ignore the scent, but it became literally unbearable when the fellow closest to me (covertly - except NOT) scooted over to try to catch a glimpse of my paper. AWFUL times a MILLION. No joke. Serious as serious can be. I could feel the vomit rising in my throat.

I can't forget to mention the fact that if someone is reading over your shoulder and you're aware of it, you are suddenly in the position of questioning whether to turn the page when you're finished reading it or whether to turn to the next page when you notice that the over-the-shoulder-reader is finished reading. This is like the BEST case scenario. This is what would happen if you're the nicest person in the world, which clearly, I am not. But even so, the over-the-shoulder-reading causes problems. Period.

On a personal note, I do not react well in this particular situation. When I catch someone reading over my shoulder, I tend to make a big deal of turning away and huffing and puffing. I will probably make you feel bad about doing it - which you should. So stop.

I HATE! Newspaper Hands

I guess this is something that no one can really control, unless the world's newspaper printers want to rethink the way they've been printing newspapers for hundreds of years. And while I can accept that fact that I may never see the change I so desire, I still do sincerely hate the ink residue that comes off on your hands as you leaf-through and read a newspaper.

It never matters what paper you're reading, when you finish leafing through your chosen periodical, you inevitably find that your hands are covered in a subtle, yet unmistakably annoying newspaper ink-film. This is a phenomenon that I have come to call "Newspaper Hands."

You can't wipe the ink-film off. It will inevitably stain your white shirt. It will leave a black mark on your face. (One that you will probably not even realize you made when you went to rub your eyes or scratch your nose and will remain there until someone is kind enough to tell you it's there. Is it obvious that I've walked around for hours with black smudges on my face and no one's bothered to tell me? I have - and it's embarrassing. Why wouldn't you tell a person something like that? Come on!? But that's an entirely different sitaution that should and probably will have it's own post.) Anyway...back on track - "Newspaper Hands" makes your hands feel dirty and gross - like you can't do anything with your hands until you've washed or Purelled them. It's like your paralyzed!

As annoying as it may be, this is one of the few pet peeves that I have been forced to come to terms with; I understand that printers will never stop using the materials they've been using since this country was founded (isn't the printing press one of the most revered colonial inventions or something like that?), but I do wish that every paper came attached with pair of gloves you could put on before reading - just like a at-home hair coloring kit. Think about it New York Times! I'd appreciate you so much more!