I HATE! Celebrities with Two First Names

Shannon Elizabeth. Tom Brady. Katy Perry. Lily Allen. Kevin James. Amanda Peet. Tina Fey. Chris Martin. Tracy Morgan. These are all famous examples of people who have two first names. And, you know, there is just something about people with two first names that irks me. Not exactly sure why this is, but I think it might have something to do with the fact these two-first-name celebrity names are actually stage names and not, these folks' birth names. So I guess my problem with the two-first-name-trend is that, often, celebrities choose to have two first names. I don't know; this just seems odd to me.

Let's take Shannon Elizabeth, for example; her name is actually Shannon Elizabeth Fadal. Why drop the Fadal? I suppose that Shannon Elizabeth sounds more elegant (a la Grace Kelly - who is, by the by, another two-first-namer) than Shannon Elizabeth Fadal. But a) Shannon Elizabeth's photo is probably not what I would find in the dictionary if I were to look up 'elegant' and b) there is just no way that anyone would ever believe that Elizabeth is her real, God-given last name.

Ok, Tom Brady's real name is, in fact, Thomas Edward Brady, Jr. so I guess I don't really have anything to say on this one. But he was an athlete first (and a celebrity second - once everyone noticed how good-looking he was), so he doesn't count. Also, I guess that Brady is one of those baby names that originated as a last name and somehow morphed into a 'trendy' first name (you can thank Miranda's - from Sex and the City - ginger baby for that one). I concede; I won't pick on the Patriots poor crippled quarterback.

Moving on: Katy Perry, birth name Katheryn Elizabeth Hudson. Frankly, I would have stuck with Hudson. The name Perry conjures up images of creepy, pedophilic, bald men, while Hudson makes me think of rambling rivers (or... jeans). Jeans and rivers beat creepster baldies any day of the week. She shouldn't have messed with a good thing; I can't even tell you what I would give to have a normal and (if I do say so myself, a rather pleasant) last name. I think I've made my preference (and point) clear.

Ok, ok, Lily (Rose Beatrice) Allen uses her real name. Like Grace Kelly (this is the ONLY comparison between the two I can and ever will make, don't you worry), she just happens to have tow first names by birth, NOT choice. When used as a first name, I'm pretty sure Allen is spelled Alan. Yeah, this wasn't a great example, but it's still annoying.

Tisk, tisk, Kevin James; I have just discovered that your real last name is Knipfing. Kevin Knipfing. Yes, I can see why you chose to go with a stage name; the alliteration is a bit intimidating, but James? Come on! Why not something more interesting? Why not something that didn't automatically propel you head-first into the two-first-name club? Kevin is just so standard on it's own, I don't see the logic in opting to go with James as a fictional surname. If he wanted to keep the Kevin, I would have suggested going for something like Jamieson in order to reverse the roles of each individual name and balance out the full name as a whole. Or if KJ was dead-set on going with James as a surname, he should have changed his first name to Kennedy or Kissinger or Kavanaugh. I would definitely date a dude named Kennedy James or Kevin Jamieson... Kevin James, not so much.

Amanda Peet's real name actually is Amanda Peet, but just a heads-up, if it had been spelled Amanda Pete, we would have had major problems.

Same goes for Tina Fey. Although her proper name is Elizabeth Stamatina Fey, I guess I can't fault her since Fay as a first name is spelled 'Fay' not 'Fey' even though I should have some beef with her as she totally dropped the name Elizabeth, which is so obviously a national tragedy and straight-up diss to all of the card-carrying Elizabeths of the world.

Chris Martin is Christopher John Martin, but he named his babies Apple and Moses so the man gets no sympathy from me.

Tracy Morgan, Tracy Morgan, Tracy Morgan. While your name is, in fact, actually Tracy Morgan, your parents failed to realize that not only did they give you two first names, but they also gave you two female first names. Clearly this permanent embarrassment has not prevented you from building a full-fledged television career, but I thought I'd point out the awful joke that's been played upon you.

My last few examples were a bit weak, I won't deny it, but I think we can all appreciate what I'm going for here. This is an open letter to all of the parents of the world: Please! If your last name happens to also be a first name, get a little creative with the baby's first name. And no, I'm not talking about naming your kid Pilot Inspecktor or Brooklyn or Princess, just use a little imagination to make sure your kid doesn't end up with two first names. It's lame.

And celebrities, consider this your open letter (I'll keep it brief): When choosing a stage name, think. Be smart. Really try to use those few brain cells that still remain.