I HATE! Birkenstocks

You have no idea how long this hatred goes back. My earliest memory of Birkenstocks is seeing my crazy aunt wearing them constantly - Summer, Winter, Autumn, and Spring. She always had Birkenstocks on - no matter the season or the weather. And perhaps, since this particular aunt of mine is a little granola-y and most certainly was a hippie earlier in her life, I began to develop a negative connotation toward Birks.

First of all, I want to clarify which particular style of Birkenstocks I am referring to here. I am keenly aware that Birkenstock makes many different styles of shoes, most of them I find unoffensive and many of which, my mom actually wears. I am referring to the original Bireknstock style that I have featured below.I hate these! And I will admit that the reasoning behind my hatred is a bit odd, but nevertheless, I am steadfast in my convictions. There is something about this particular style of shoe that seems dirty - maybe it's the brown suede the shoe is often made from. It just screams 'I attract dirt, foot sweat, toe jam, and anything else that I can pick up while walking around!' Ick! And there is something about how the Birkenstock displays the foot that totally grosses me out. It doesn't cover any of the toe - it displays the entire thing. Whole toe is not sexy - especially not hairy toe. And this brings me to my next point.

Men should never ever be wearing Birkenstocks! Unless you want to look like a 13th century Medieval peasant, please choose alternate footwear! I am not a huge proponent of sandals for men in general, but let it be known that the man in Birkenstocks gives all men in sandals a bad name. They're simply not acceptable footwear for the male specimen. Period. I will not argue this point. It is fact.

And, I was trying to be politically correct and not offend anyone, but frankly, the real reason I hate Birkenstocks is because they are hippie attire. The remind me of unwashed, white people with dreads, playing guitar and singing in green pastures. Maybe I'm just an asshole, but the hippie is generally not one whom i aspire to be like. There's just something about Birkenstocks that is so reminiscent of hippie-dom. And that grosses me out. Sorry.

I HATE! Crocs

I think it's entirely possible that Crocs are, in fact, the ugliest shoes ever invented. (And think I have the right to pass judgment because I'm practically a shoe connoisseur - you can ask anyone.)

My question is this: Why can't people see how truly hideous theses shoes are (...if you can even call them shoes - they're more like floatation devices for the feet)? They're neon foam clogs with a heel strap. Doesn't the description alone kind of make you want to vom? What is so remarkable about this shoe? Why does everyone from Mario Batali to my two-year-old cousin show up looking like they're wearing just the feet from a Sesame Street character costume? I actually believe that Mr. Batali was one of the original proponents of the Croc phenomenon, which is odd considering that he is such a large man, and the two giant pieces of foam-rubber on his feet make his legs look like those toothpicks that hold sandwiches together.

Regardless of who should really be blamed for, i mean, credited with the introduction of the Croc, the shoe has caught on like wildfire, and now I am forced to see this atrocious trend whenever I walk out my front door (and even inside my front door, so to speak, as I recently discovered one of my boyfriend's roommates owns a pair. I almost jumped out of my skin when I came upon them). The company must really be doing well because, to my dismay, a Crocs store (read: a store entirely filled with Crocs - nothing but Crocs) was put in a few blocks from my office and now, everytime I walk uptown, I am unwillingly subjected to the new fur-lined, yes fur-lined, Crocs annoyingly situated in the front window.

Maybe I understand them as a shoe for little kids. They are foam-rubber, which is easy for those members of our society who have not yet fully developed hand-to-eye coordination. You can just slip your foot inside - no laces needed! (Let me just take this moment to note that Crocs are almost in the same family as, if not identical to, clogs and I HATE CLOGS as well; they may in fact be the ugliest type of show ever created. Blog entry to follow.) They seem to be safe for little kids, although I do not understand how a clog-esque shoe stays on your foot as you run. I do also recall hearing a few stories of children getting their Crocs sucked into escalators, but that's just water under the bridge. (It seems the Croc company did a pretty good job of sweeping reports of those incidents under the rug.) And they're colorful, which is something kids are apparently in to. And you can buy these additional little pieces in the shape of flowers or trucks or stars or whatever you want to decorate the outside of the Croc with. (You wanna know how I know all this? I spent an afternoon babysitting my two-year-old cousin / dissecting / studying her three pairs frighteningly overly-adorned of Crocs.) So I get it; they're fun for little kids. Still ugly, but fun... I guess.

But my pain problem with the shoe lies with the other demographic who has seemed to take a liking to Crocs - ADULTS! There is actually no legtimate excuse for any adult to be caught dead wearing Crocs. They may be comfortable (I'm convinced that this is the main reason why the Ugg trend lingered so long), but they are truly hideous and the two simply don't cancel each other out! There are plenty of other comfortable shoes that aren't butt ugly. Not to mention that no one will respect you if you wear Crocs (how Batali gets away with this, I have no idea). They're a child's shoe, if a shoe at all, and any adult who wears these will undoubtedly look foolish and should be endlessly and mercilessly mocked. Crocs are not appropriate footwear; appropriate for saving you from drowning in a firery boat crash, yes, but for wearing, no - not for work, not for leisure, NEVER!