I HATE! People Who Are Loud at Inopportune Times and in Small Spaces

There is a high-level executive in my office that cackles at the top of her lungs several times an hour, every hour, every day. I can hear her all the way down the hall. I jump in my desk chair every time her shrill laughter pierces the air.

Similarly, one of my former roommates could not be quiet if someone bound her mouth shut. I have had to sleep with ear plugs in my ears to drown out the sound of her screaming obscenities at the television late at night. It didn’t matter what time of day it was, she simply did not know how to keep the volume of her voice to a minimum – not even when she was making herself breakfast in the kitchen, which was right next to my room, at 7 AM on a Saturday morning.

Unless there’s a medical condition that I am not aware of, a person should be able to control the volume of his or her voice, and adjust it as appropriate from situation to situation. For example: I do not want to hear from the opposite end of the subway car what your boyfriend said to you when he dumped your ass for another woman. Likewise, I don’t want to hear every little bit of the cell phone conversation you’re having with your co-worker about how horrible your boss is while waiting behind you in the make-your-own-salad line. Similarly, I don’t want to listen to you as you practice the song for your audition tomorrow at the top of your lungs at 1 AM. And I certainly don’t want to hear (from down the hall with my door closed) whatever it is that you’re yelling at the TV about this time.

I have no problem with loud - at the right time. You're at a football game? Be as loud as you want when hurling insults at the opposing team's fans! I love it. You're at a concert? Go nuts screaming at the top of your lungs for that aging former 80s heartthrob. Be my guest! You're wasted and dancing on the top of a table at an out-of-control house party? Let loose and as loudly as possible yell to your pal on the other side of the house to come join you. I have no problem with that! Hell - I'll join you on top of that table.

Those are perfect examples of opportune times to be loud. But I always seem to situate myself next to the guy who is excitedly trying to close the most important deal of his life on his cell phone in a tiny and packed elevator.

I just wish that people would realize that it's not appropriate or appreciated to be loud in a small space. This is not good for anyone's eardrums. It's just like people who drive around with their stereos turned all the way up with their windows up and you, all the way down the street in another car, are pained by the loudness of this music and intensity of the bass. How do those guys even survive driving around like that? They have to be deaf.

Eureka! Maybe volume-control issues are actually a sign that a person is partially or fully deaf? Scientific breakthrough, perhaps?

See, this blog is actually helping to benefit humankind.

I HATE! Badly Behaved and/or Screaming Children / Babies

"I hate all children. For other people, it's fine, but not for me." - Karl Lagerfeld

This post requires a disclaimer:

No, I am not the worst person in the world. And no, I do not despise ALL babies and children. When I've voiced my concern over children / babies in the past people have looked at me like I'm Satan's newest recruit. Most children and babies, when behaving properly (read: being seen, not heard), are cute; I wholeheartedly admit and agree to that.

The thing that makes children and babies not cute is when they are misbehaving and/or screaming in public. I HATE that - absolutely cannot stand it. But what makes me ever more steamed, is when parents don't do a thing to deter or prevent their children from lashing out in public places. For example, this weekend, I got onto the subway after wasting an hour or more of my precious time looking at a dump in SOUTH Park Slope (ok, so I was already in a bad mood) and before I could take my seat, my eardrums were pierced by the high-pitched and unbearable screams of a small child sitting in his stroller a couple of yards down the car. These screams went on for several painstaking (and seemingly elongated) minutes and the child's "mother" didn't do a thing to calm the kid down. NOT A THING. She just sat there as her child screamed bloody murder. Obviously, this enraged me and I was all set to jump ship and switch to another car.

I cannot give a lesson in parenting as I am defintiely not a parent, but please people, keep your children in check! If that means keeping a stash of cookies in your pocket, by all means, do it! When your child begins to scream (as children are usually inclined to do), shove a cookie in it's mouth to shut it up. Easy as pie.

And another thing, as a parent, you should make sure your child knows how to behave in specific situations. If you're in a resturant with your kid, he shouldn't be running in circles around the table with food all over his face. He shouldn't be crawling under other people's tables. He shouldn't be ducking in and out of the kitchen tripping waiters left and right. In fact, your child shouldn't be making any noise at all or creating a disturbance of any kind. Children are meant to be seen, not heard.

This may sound mean. You may think me a curmudgeon. I wouldn't be upset if you consider me to have a heart of stone. But listen, I've dealt firsthand with all of the above scenarios and frankly, I've come to my wit's end. There's nothing I'd rather deal with LESS than sitting at a nice dinner trying to ignore the screams and sporatic movements of an unruly child causing a ruckus across the resturant. If you wanna push me over the edge, that might just be the way to do it.

You'd better believe that when I have children (rather I should say IF I have children - and the probability of that is slim to none as I'm pretty sure my uterus would reject an egg attempting to fertilize), they will sit quietly during dinner. They will not run around like maniacs. They will not scream in public, or at all, for that matter. They will be clean and well-dressed. They will not eat their own boogers or do any of the other gross things children are sometimes inclined to do. They will be exhibit perfect decorum and will be attentive to me at all times. And of course, they will never, ever embarrass me with poor behavior.