I HATE! That I Don't Really Hate this Post

Given that this blog is called 'I Hate!' it would be weird for me to post something that I do not hate, but thanks to the brilliance that is 'Best of Craigslist', it looks like I may have found my soulmate (assuming the anonymous post that I am going to re-post here momentarily was written by a dude). The similarities between the opinons (and pet-peeves) of Mr. Anonymous and myself are striking and normally, I would have assumed that this fellow (whoever he may be) read my blog and jacked my opinions (the tone is SO similar, it's borderline ridic), but this post was written in 2007, so that scenario is not even possible. Read the post below and tell me we're not on the same wavelength. It's f-ing eerie. Or maybe we're the only two reasonable people in this f-ing city... Regardless, I'm in love!

best of craigslist > new york > NYC SUBWAY RANT: JESUS CHRIST!
Originally Posted: Mon, 6 Aug 14:33 EDT
NYC SUBWAY RANT: JESUS CHRIST!
Date: 2007-08-06, 2:33PM EDT

OK, I have been riding the subway every day for a lot of years. When you start riding, it doesn't take a much time to see all sorts of characters. At first, these people sightings might be somewhat shocking or even funny, but you begin to grow used to the pants less, toothless, yelling, drunk, cracked out, stinky, sweaty, and perverted characters that ride the subway. They really don't bother you much; in fact I welcome a little cameo from these guys once in a while. After all, it is part of our city culture. That said I have compiled a list – a spilling of my mental Rolodex of the people I share the subway with on a daily basis. These are the monsters I can't get used to and won't accept. They annoy the ever-loving piss out of me. Thing is, I never see these hooligans all at once, but I do see one at least once a day.

- Lady that fans herself with a piece of paper in the train car with broken a/c: Look lady, the air is hot. Not just your air but everyone's air. We are all breathing in each other's nasty hot breath and germs and here you go creating a gust of hot wind. This does not cool you down and it is especially fucking annoying when the car happens to be stuck that day, all is silent and we are forced to listen to the flip flopping of your paper up and down as you breath in and out deeply. So fucking ridiculous.

- Chinese guy with yellow nails and a bag of chicken feet: Dude, I'm not even kidding, you are nasty as hell. No one likes a set of long man-nails near them EVER and here you are wrapping those daggers around the center subway pole nearly slicing innocent bystanders as the plastic bag of chicken feet sways near your legs. Oh yes, and what are you going to do with those chicken feet anyway? Take advantage of us poor unknowing customers by grinding them up to use as filler in the next batch of HAPPY FAMILY from the local Jade Garden? I mean Jesus.

- Asshole with the sunglasses on: OK, there is no sunshine on the subway. This is not the L train pal. You sit there with your black as night shades on clearly staring at people for as long as you please. That's just wrong. Your probably staring at the lady's tits who is standing above you or even undressing some poor middle schooler with your eyes. Not only are you taking ample amounts of time to fanaticize about unsuspecting riders, but you look like an idiot doing it. This is especially worse when you also chew gum with an open mouth like a friggin' cow. You are drawing attention to yourself now and I can tell by the direction of your neck muscles that you were staring at me! Lady on the 8:30 F train Monday morning - you know who you are!

- Jerk that leans over you to look at the subway map: OK, your ball sac is 2 inches from my face. You don't care do you? Even though you've traumatized me and I lean back in my seat to shy far far away from your jewels, you lean in closer to get a better look at where to transfer from the E to the D train! Yuk man, have some manners. This is worse when you are sleeping with your head in your hands and wake to find a pants slacks covered man bulge in your grill.

- Ghostfarter: OK, I know it may be hard to hold it, but if you had diarrhea this morning of course your farts are going to reek! I mean the train is crowded with little ventilation yet you subject us to the rotten remnants of your ass-meal. This is inconsiderate and nasty! Hey if one clipped out, OK - it's happened to the best of us but you try to move around a bit and circulate. Don’t just stand there and poof out stinker after stinker while you read your paper! I'm talking about the well-dressed guy in the suit or the one hot chic on the train, it was probably you!

- Asshole with the book bag: If your bag more than 3 inches off of your back for god's sakes put it in front of you toward the floor! This is common knowledge!! I can't tell you how many times some retard with a book bag extending 3 feet tall off his back has decided to turn around and talk to his friend or bend down to tie his shoe and clock me one without knowing the difference. Yeah, that was me who bumped you on purpose. I hate you!

- Lady that hugs the pole on a crowded train: Are you fucking blind!?? There are other people riding the train with you jerk but yet you proceed to make sweet love to the silver pole. Can we maybe hold on for a second TOO so we don't break and ankle??!!! Then, when we ask you to move you PRETEND you don't speak English. Real nice. Why don't you walk to work with a broomstick and hug that you shitbag.

- Nail Clipping Fool: This means you regular business guy with no regard or oblivious Asian lady. Jesus Christ, does anyone have manners?? DO NOT CLIP YOUR NAILS ON THE SUBWAY! I should be making signs for god's sakes! Not only are we subjected to the resonating sound of your clipping but your nail shrapnel is flying every which way and hitting men, women and children. This is by far the most disgusting thing ever. I'd like to take a free shot at your gut while fellow train riders hold you up.

Location: NYC

I HATE! When People Are Distracted While You're Trying to Have a Phone Conversation

I hate this more than life - no joke. This really may be my Number One Pet Peeve. I realize that I've probably said this about several other of these blog posts, but I am 100% serious about this one.

I ABSOLUTELY CANNOT STAND IT when I'm on the phone with someone, trying to have a conversation, and the person on the other end of the phone is either simutlaneously talking to some else, watching TV, or doing any number of equally distracting things while I frusteratingly struggle (usually in vain) to maintain the verbal exchange.

If I'm on the phone with you, stop talking to your friend who's in the room with you, turn off the TV, stop IMing, or pause your X Box game. If I took the time to call you, you should at least have the decency to stop what you're doing for five seconds while I communicate whatever it is that I have to say to you. I'm not a huge phone person; usually whatever I have to say will only take a few minutes. I'm not expecting to have a long-winded philosophical conversation everytime I call you. It's pretty safe to say that I will never want to have a long-winded philosophical conversation with you. You're not that interesting and frankly, niether am I. So do me the favor of turning off the TV for a moment, telling your AIM partner that you'll "BRB", or momentarily setting the controller down on the table.

Follow these steps and it will save you from my wrath, as this one of those instances where I will inevitably become enraged if I catch on to the fact that you're multitasking while speaking to me via telephone. If you're in the middle of something important (or you can't possibly stop what you're doing for two seconds to talk to me), tell me you need to call me back. I would MUCH RATHER wait a few more moments to speak to you (and we all know I'm the most impatient person in the world), than try to compete with whatever other activity you're engaged with at the time.

On this same note, another easy way to annoy me is if I'm speaking to you and you do not respond. If I've caught you at a bad moment when you're distracted by something else, please give me the "1 Minute Finger" or tell me to hold on or simply say "I'll be right with you". ANYTHING is better than being flat-out ignored. Having dealt with this particular happenstance I-can't-even-count-how-many-times, I'm at the point where, if being ignored by a cashier or salesperson leisurely finishing their personal phone conversation or texting away on a Sidekick while seemingly refusing to look up and acknoweldge my presence, it makes me want to reach over the counter and slap the person in the face.

And I've come close. Just a word of caution.

I HATE! People Trying to Board a Train Before You Can Exit

Ok - this may very well be my number one most HATED pet peeve.

It's common sense: let the people who are on the train off before you try to get on - seems sensible, right? But it amazes me, everytime I am trying to exit a subway car, people try to board before I can even get entirely out the door.

Logistically, it would make sense to let those who are trying to exit the train get out before you try to board - when people leave the train car you're want to get into, there will be more room for you. You won't be forced to wiggle your way into that tiny little space between the business man with the beer belly and the sweaty construction woker. Right?

Apparently this logic has not yet occurred to many New Yorkers. I get it - maybe people disregard common courtesy and common sense because everyone is clamoring to grab one of the inevitably few available seats on the rush hour trains. (I can't help but be reminded of kids scrambling to pick up the candy spewed all over the ground from a recently broken pinata.) Or maybe this phenomenon occurs simply because New Yorkers are impatient and rude - something everyone in the world already assumes anyway.

Either way, it makes no sense to me. Let people off FIRST; there will be more room for you when you do finally board the train and it is common courtesy. I think I've established the logic in this sequence of events. Because really, how much satisifaction are you going to get when force your way onto the train like a fish swimming against the current, manage to snag a seat, but slam into and practically knock over the little old lady with the walker trying to get off the train?

Additionally, if it's rush hour and the train is horribly crowded, you can't get on until I get off ANYWAY (unless you want the aforementioned standing room between the beer belly and the sweaty guy) - so why can't you wait a few extra moments? It's like these people will spontaneously combust if they are kept waiting another 7 seconds. You probably just waited 15 minutes for the train! Chill out a few moments more!

If it wasn't already apparent, this is a sitaution that I encounter pretty much every day - and so, I've developed an interesting approach to dealing with this. If I am on the train and we pull into a station and I see that people are standing in front of the door that I will be trying to exit through, blocking my exit path as they ALWAYS do, I purposely, and with as much force as possible without seeming like an aspiring linebacker, walk right into them. If you are going to bumrush and practically trample me trying to get an open seat on the train, I am damn well going to give you a run for your money (and a shoulder to the chest!).